Monday, July 23, 2007


Wow have I been in a funk this month. I swear I have gained like 10lbs and I just have not had the energy or mind set to reply or post anywhere to anyone so my apologies - I need to sit down and get my poop in a group - I will start dwindling down my emails very soon. I am sorry to those that have patiently been wondering where I am and how I am doing. I promise I'll get back to everyone soon.

Hugs and all that jazz...

Sunday, July 8, 2007

Looking ahead

I talked to Dr H today. He had called yesterday but I was taking a glamorous mid-afternoon nap with peanut (seriously the best sleep I'd had in weeks). He totally agrees we need a break. We have been practically cycling there for 6 months now. I told him yes I was mentally and physically exhausted. He of course feels very bad that this cycle failed. He was very disappointed with this protocol - he said it was the most aggressive he could do and for the fall cycle we will go back to the flare. I asked him if no suppression had anything to do with it and he said no. So some plans for the future. I am going to get the recanilization done this month. He said the next 3 months my ovaries will actually have some "oomph" behind them and he totally agrees that we should try on our own while we 'recover' (I had emailed him questions so he was just answering them via phone). I had asked about DHEA and also TCM and he supports me taking both. He doesn't feel like my ovaries have changed drastically or anything - I was surprised as I expected the donor talk but it never came up. I was prepared though because embryo adoption is something I am actually considering at this point - I mean what's the difference between that and adoption except I actually get to be pregnant? All pro's if you ask me but anyhoo it never came up. He said yes to DHEA, it's now legal in Canada so he is writing me up an rx that I can get compounded in Victoria. He said he also supports me looking into TCM with Stephanie so I will fire an email off to her when I am up for it.

It wasn't a long conversation. He did reiterate how important it is that we stay in communication...I guess by not taking the calls on Friday he may have been worried? He is a good doctor and I'm lucky to have someone watching out for us and willing to work with us. He said call, email, make an appointment, whatever I want to move forward. I just want a break for now but I need to also get my new rx, talk to Stephanie and Caroline and then get this recanilization done. THEN I can have a break and get back to normal life for a few months. I can't wait!

Friday, July 6, 2007

As expected

BFN. I can't seem to stop crying though. I totally expected this yet I am just devastated. I just want to give Jessica a baby brother or sister, is that so bad? Why can't my body do this one thing for her?

We were having lunch today at the mall and Jess was all excited about staying overnight at Auntie Michele's. They just got a new spa/hot tub so she is really excited about getting to go in. Then she said mom, you can't go in because of the babies in your tummy. I said oh hun, I think we made a mistake there are no babies in mama's tummy. And poor Jess wells up with tears and says you told me there were, I was going to be a big sister. I said I am so sorry hunny, we will keep trying, I promise. All the while tears welling up in my eyes. Se is heart broken. I wish we had never discussed this with her in the first place but it just seemed like a natural thing to talk about with mommy going to the doctor so much.

I think my sisters words are starting to get to me today because I am really starting to feel like maybe this is just not meant to be.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

If at first you don't succeed

Go buy a puppy!! Yes at 530pm we are off to get a puppy. WE had a bad year dog-wise. First Gizmo passed away, then Caine and then Riker. Gizmo and Caine had long happy lives and Riker well, he died at 8 which is too soon for a Golden. So we need a new dog to protect Miss Jessica and protect the homestead. I know Randy has been dying for this puppy since the breeder brought it in 2 months ago for vaccinations at the clinic but I said no. Today I talked to her, she still has the puppy and well, I am hormonal enough to just rush right in without really thinking about the implications of a new puppy. Luckily I am getting it for Randy, therefore he is responsible for training him too LOL. I will just hug on him and enjoy him and Randy can do the rest.

Tee hee hee, I am just giddy.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

It's over

Well my beautiful temps dropped over night, I guess this ole body needed one last kick to the stomach, tricking me into thinking hey, maybe there is a slim chance.

I am trying to think positive because Randy is devastated. I guess I have to store these emotions with the rest I have bottled up and deal with them on another day. I have an on-going list in my head of positives to not being pregnant.

- I can start exercising and eating healthy - get some body respect back
- I can get my ankle tattoo finished in August
- I won't be puking in the hot hot summer heat

That's all I've got so far. Truth is I would rather be pregnant and that ain't happening any day soon :(

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

I'm going to whine now

Don't read on if you don't want to hear it cause this is all about me right now. Inned to whine so this is my chosen outlet for the hour.

I feel like crap. No crap is too nice of a word. I seriously feel like someone kicked the living crap out of me while sleeping or something. Every bone, every muscle, even my hair follicles hurt right now. Yes my hair hurts. Just putting it into a scrunchie hurt this morning. This flu is the worst I have felt in a very long time. My throat is so red I swear you could camouflage a firetruck in there. My sinuses someone decided it would be cute to stick a wire brush in there for the hell of it. All I want is a 30 minute nap and I will feel better. Since 1030 I have been waiting for that nap and yet I still can't go lay down. Why you ask? Well I have to wait for the chick man to arrive (as in chickens, for the farm). He used to call, now he just shows up anywhere from like 10-5 - narrows it down doesn't it? I was going to put on Peter Pan and haul Jess to mama's room and doze in and out for a bit. I have been drooling at the thought all freaking day but lookey, it's 306pm and here I sit, exhausted, hormonal and as happy as happy can be (not). Of course can I take anything to ease the pain? Noooo on the slim chance I am pregnant (LOL) I don't want to mess with mother nature so I have to suffer it out. Of course whoop-dee-doo, my beta is on Friday. I will let that one go to voice mail. I don't need to hear it 'live'. I so thought I would wake up today, test and get a positive. I have thought all along that 12dpo I would see a 'pregnant' on my test but alas, so much for that instinct. Oh well I can finally take some cold and flu medicine, even if I am better by then.

Okay I will stop whining now. That is until Randy gets home...

Monday, July 2, 2007

Have you seen this?

Ya, you may want a tissue with you while watching

Don't say I didn't warn you...

Sad news

It is ironic how attached you can get to someone you've never met. My online friend Sandy just got the news, her beta dropped. I started sobbing just thinking about how devastated she is feeling right now. That exasperated the horrible feelings I felt this morning after caving and using a digital pg test and seeing the words 'not pregnant'. How disappointing that was...

Anyhow, Sandy my heart is hurting with you sweetie.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Blog Bizarreness

WTH happened to my long thought inducing blog today? I just logged in to see only on sentence, my last sentence showing...true blog bizarreness.

I am way too tired to write all of it went something like I think I am, I think I'm not, I hate my ovaries, I feel like I am PMS'ing, I need a break, need to stop eating crap and feeding my stress, I am worried about my Jess (getting a cold), worried about Laila (preterm labor), worried about Michelle (BFN) and worried about Sandy (beta not where it's supposed to be).

That my friends is my thoughts for the day in a nutshell.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007


Well to top off my day, I just went and got my dad's ashes. Not sure what or how I feel about that. I am so exhausted and lost after the events with my sister that I forgot to take my estrace and prometrium this morning:( I have been crampy for 2 hours, I am praying that I haven't ruined this pregnancy....

No words

So my dad passed away last month. My sister said go ahead and be administrator - for which we don't need but we wanted the books to prove dad was robbed. I wasn't able to take everything in to get notarized because of the costs - everything was going on the credit card this past month. Well yesterday she starts hounding me about it - I told her as soon as Randy got paid I would get it all certified. Then she started in at me about how I can pay my bills but she needed her share so she could hers. She acts like everything is given to us on a silver platter. Well I signed off IM so that I didn't spout off some hormonal crap that I would regret later. Well last night she leaves me this scathing VM. I of course respond via email. She then fires off the meanest OMG letter. I mean I don't even understand where all of this came from. She told me she needed to bite her tongue because 'someone of my age' was trying to have another baby. In her next evil spouting she said"And as far as a child goes at your age so sorry hun never said you were not a good mom , hun yes you are a good mom to the child you are supposed to have but quite frankly god decides how many children we have not us." OMFG? I have been crying all night.

I just had no idea she hated me so much. Were we best of friends - no, but being attacked by my sister in such a malicious way? Hit me like a mack truck. Now I have 45 minutes ot get my crap together and give a live presentation for work. This will be fun, I can't even see my keyboard.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Little Miss Positive

Okay here is the rundown of our transfer day. I will be completely honest, I expected bad news when we walked into VFC. The micro-analyzer in me was scrutinizing everything from the second I stepped out of the truck. For example, on Sundays you have to get buzzed in. So Randy hits the buzzer and Dr H answers - Randy says, "Christina L.." and Dr H says "okay Randy, come on up". Why Randy always says my name I don't know but again I found this quite humorous. But right away I was like, 'did he sound happy? Oh no, he didn't sound very positive, did he?" and so on, all the way up in the elevator. Randy looked at his crazy wife and said, "he said what, 5 words over a speaker phone, stop it already". Ahem, point taken.

We walk into VFC and I had my head down, terrified to make eye contact because well, I was expecting the worst. Monica later told me she thought oh-oh she is NOT in a good mood today LOL. I had to pay for the ICSI and return some Gonal-F so I was standing at the reception window and I could see our embryologist out of the corner of my eye. Heart pounding I still refused to look up - this was news I would much rather have over the phone...I may just break down in person. Then I hear Randy really softly say "it's all good?" and then he reached around me to hug me. Only at that point did I allow myself to look up and see both of them smiling from ear to ear. He said he came in at like 20 to 8 just to see our embryo and when he did he did a happy dance (which I can totally see - he is such a friendly guy). Our little beloved is an 8 celled beauty, graded 19 of 20 and nearly perfect.

Holy freaking big sighs of relief. Now I could concentrate on my very full bladder and not peeing on my RE LOL. ET went well although it is my least favorite part of this whole process. You are basically naked from your waist down and it isn't a fast process so you are 'exposed' for all the world to see. Considering I still have the flabby belly it is excruciatingly embarrassing to me to have someone viewing my most unfavorite body "feature". All the while concentrating the hell out relaxing my legs while in those leg stirrups so that I don't cramp out while keeping my bladder nice and full. It's somewhat of a contradiction (legs relaxed, bladder tight). Dr H explained that while we only have one embryo, it looked great, nearly perfect and better than the 2 we had last time by far. They do this security check between doctor and embryologist just before transferring the embryo. From the lab we hear "one beautiful, 8 celled, nearly perfect embryo for Christina L.." and Dr H confirms form the procedure room. How freaking cute was that? It was like the whole medical team was rooting for us and just made it a perfect transfer. Randy was beaming from ear to ear after he heard that (he even whispered in my ear 'did you hear that? Nearly perfect!!!"). Procedure went well because I had my bladder nice and full for them and I have my keepsake picture from the u/s of where the fluid went in carrying baby L. I lied there for about 15 minutes and then got up to relieve the bladder. Then I laid back down and had my acu from Dr H. Monica discharged us 30 minutes later and off we went on the crazy 2ww ahead of us.

So here is praying for a sticky bean. Today embie will be a morula (10-30 celled), Tuesday a blast and Weds would start to hatch. That's in a perfect world LOL. I always get late +++ so who knows what I will decide to do this month as far as POAS. Should I? Shouldn't I? Should I? Shouldn't I?

Saturday, June 23, 2007

More bad news

We lost 2 embryos last night. They were abnormal due to unequal dividing (as I understand it - mononucleated). The remaining embie is 19 out of 20 and is 4 celled and looking great.

Please do not tell me it only takes one. I think I will scream if I hear that again.

Friday, June 22, 2007

And the report says...

Of the 7 eggs, 5 were mature but only 3 fertilized. I admit, I am a wee bit disappointed, I so thought this cycle would give us more 'choices'. On a positive note we do have one more embie than last time and since we didn't lose any that had fertilized last time I refuse to think this cycle will be any different. So I am happy, don't get me wrong, but admittedly a bit disappointed as well.

To be honest I am so numb this week it's very odd. Jess left this morning with K&M for 4 days. Normally I would have bawled my eyes out watching her walk away but I stood there with a lump in my throat and didn't move. Randy was all worried because I showed no emotion after R called this morning. I feel neither excited nor anxious. I just want to sleep. Not to whine, well maybe a little whine. I really feel crappy. I am carrying around over 6 lbs of water weight since Thursday morning. WTH is that? I look like I have a belly balloon. I haven't (TMI alert) gone to the bathroom in 2 days either :| and I literally can fall asleep in any position - just have to let the eyes shut for half a second. Hopefully a good night sleep will help (I didn't sleep last night).

Now I need an update from my little world traveler. They should be in Regina by now and mama is anxious to hear her peanut's little voice.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Lucky number seven

Okay so the day started off well. I was amazingly calm - neither excited nor dreadful (and I am usually one or the other). Deep down I was worried they go in and find no eggs but at the same time I guess I realized that was unlikely to happen. Our trip was uneventful but on a side note, the highways are littered full of police doing speed and seat belt checks so we left in plenty of time to avoid the need for speed (and ugh it seemed like we were driving so slowww).

Walked into a very quiet office just a few minutes before 8. Sat for just a few minutes and Tammi got us and sent us off into the recovery room. Had a few good laughs along the way. Like she showed me my pink flannel nightgown and the beige scrubs for Randy. So after she leaves and I am stuffing all my junk into the locker, Randy looks at me and says "so I wonder what they'd do if I put on the pink nightie and you wore the scrubs?" ROFL, he always finds a way to relieve the tension and that sure as heck did it. Oh we chuckled for a while over the visual. Anyhow, Dr H arrived shortly thereafter and did the normal chit chat - when was my last food/drink, how was I feeling, how was Jessica's grad (to which I replied great - put a woman doped up on hormones at her daughters preschool grad and imagine the tears LOL). Then he gave me my acu and I just dozed in and out for the next 30+ minutes.

So then it was 'time'. That was when I started to feel my heart race a little. Robert had an intern working with him, Leigh was my nurse and apparently there was a doctor working with Dr H as well (who I previously said was the intern with Robert but I was wrong - blame the drugs!). And my fav person of course Tammi who was watching my vitals and in charge of the fentanyl. Dr H literally had to slap the crap out of my hand to get a vein to stand up enough for him to get the IV in. Had another good chuckle over that after I complained about the abuse I am always getting there (I said jokingly of course). Then came the good stuff. At first I felt nothing so I got a second dose and whoooosh, I was all light and fluffy not caring about the indecency bared for the whole room of spectators to see. Oh back track here, Dr H told us when we first went into the procedure room that he was doing a different ER today - a flush. Basically they flush out each follicle to make sure no eggs have stuck in there. There is an added risk of damage to the eggs, reaction to the medium they use to flush and risk of infection. I trust him so just nodded not realizing how valuable this would actually be.

Okay yes, back to my friend Fentanyl. Truly love this stuff - you're awake but don't give a crap about anything. There were times I could feel some minor pain but honestly I knew it hurt but I didn't care. Does that make sense? I guess I was pretty doped. Tammi twice had to nudge me into breathing. I was but my oxygen was low because I was 'that' relaxed. At first it was pretty nerve wracking because I swear we were at the count of one for what seemed like forever. Um talk about stress (yet I was too busy enjoying nothing to really worry). I kept trying to watch the ultrasound screen but couldn't focus. I could hear Robert say 'got an egg' or 'granulosa cells'. Now what I found out later was that when he said granulosa cells it meant that they would then flush that fluid medium through that follicle. Those cells come off a developing egg hence the need for going back in (well he would hold the catheter in there until getting word from the lab). So Dr H would tell her (Leigh I guess) 2 cc's (or whatever) of fluid and she would push it through this special catheter that they used. This happened 3 times (I think?, its getting blurry now). Because of them doing this extra step today we ended up with 7 eggs out of 7 follicles which is great! My goal was 8 eggs and Randy said 5 so we are both happy with that number and Dr H seemed pleased with it as well.

Remember last time, there was a very solemn mood at the clinic after my ER. Maybe it was just that day or perhaps it was the overwhelming disappointment with my ER. I can only compare the mood today vs last time and there was a big difference so my ever scrutinizing mind has to think positive and believe that means better eggies for better embies.

We had a nice long chat with Robert while in recovery, he really explained how everything goes. Basically this afternoon they will strip the cells off the eggs and perform ISCI. Well before that they send Randy's troops to the carnival for a spin on the gravitron ride. The best sperm stay at the bottom and everyone else floats to the top (or vice versa). They then hand pick the best, break their tails (something about polarity comes into play here - I am not an embryologist so go look it up if you really care LOL) and inject one little guy into each egg. We got the impression that we may end up with 5 mature but no guarantees. 3 were "smaller" but until those cells are stripped they really wouldn't know. I think 80% was mentioned which would be 5.6 eggs therefore I am hoping for 5. However is only 50% fertilize again then we will probably still end up with only 2 to transfer....well 2.5 but I'd prefer a WHOLE embryo ;)

Hmm what else to remember. Oh just as Randy was off with his cup I started to get dressed and wouldn't you know it, Dr H walks in . I know, I know, he has seen it all but still...I was red from head to toe. Then as Randy was getting changed from the scrubs, doesn't Leigh walk in and poke her head around the corner just as his pants are around his ankles. Oh yes indeed, it was an interesting day.

Overall today went very well. I hate to say it for fear of jinxing myself but I am feeling positive tonight. Terrified to let myself even think about the possibility of embryos to 'choose' from (vs. this is whats left, insert and see ya in 2 weeks). I have a lot to keep my mind busy. Very bloated and swollen tonight, waves of extreme dizziness (whoa) and the impending departure of Jessica flying to Regina tomorrow with K&M. What the heck was I thinking letting my 4 year old leave me for 4 days. Ugh. She is so excited and I am just full of heartbreak. I know she'll be just fine being the princess of the family for the weekend but OMG, does that break my heart at the same time.

So now the clock slows down. In about 12 hours I will be hearing the fate of my future kids. I know most women don't like to think that far ahead but I can't help myself. Every loss along the way is a real loss to me. I am praying I hear good news. Please let me hear good news or this weekend is going to be excruciating.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Trigger time

Do do da do, da do do da do Trigger time. Hee hee yes to the tune of Hammer time I sang as I injected myself with my last med tonight. I was expecting pain and didn't feel a thing. Too much flab I guess.

Now the countdown 'til Thursday. Was I this stressed last time? Hmm maybe I should go back and read the damn blog, that's why I write in this thing isn't it? LOL

The Insanity Begins

Or did it ever end? I can feel the OCD side of me starting to kick in today. It really started with a horrible dream last night. I don't recall the entire dream but the gist of it was I had to die - not sure why but I had 2 choices. Get a giant knife across my throat (like those martial arts sword type knives) or I could take these 5 pills and it would be almost instant. Well I chose the pills of course but then I didn't die. I was all paralyzed and twisted. And I could barely move my mouth to talk but was asking the person why am I not dead yet? And he/she said because you took the easy way out, you have to suffer until the pills really kick in. And I started crying and thinking about missing out on Jessica's which time I woke up bawling my eyes out.

Freaking nice dream. Interpret that as you will it really just freakin sucked.

I am officially obsessing over the next 2 weeks already. I shouldn't be so I've been told. But I can't stop thinking that there will be no good eggs retrieved on Thursday and that there will be no ET on Sunday. I really really want to stay positive but I am neither excited nor distraught. Totally numb. I should be so excited but I'm not. It's an odd feeling and I question whether it's a sixth sense or just my usual insanity.

It's going to be a long haul from here on out......

Monday, June 18, 2007


Dr. H is back, Dr H is back!

What a nice sight walking into VFC today and seeing that friendly smile sitting in the office. I was late leaving Nanaimo today, didn't walk out the door until 550 but everything went smooth en route to Victoria (considering the traffic at the top of the Malahat - I guess it's zero tolerence day for speeders - blush). I got to the Metro lab at about 10 after 7, walked in, had one person in line in front of me, gave my care card, went into room 2, poke and on my way out. Sheesh if it was always that simple! Then to VFC - heck they had me down for 820 and I got there at 745 LOL. Anyhow, no one was there, lucky me so Tammi ushered me in and woo I even got sockettes again today LOL.

The good news is I won't trigger until Tuesday night therefore saving me the decision of what to do about missing Jessica's grad. The bad news is I have gone from 11 down to 7 follicles. That makes me very nervous considering we only got 6 from 11 follicles last time. Quality over quantity, quality over quantity. Talk about different doctors, different styles. Check out the measurement difference:

R=12, 14, 15, 16, 16, 22
L-18 (lazy lefty)
Lining= "beautiful" @ 12mm

He said I had a hemorrhagic follicle on the left which was full of blood. I wonder if that's what all that pain was last Weds on my left side? So down to 1 follie there and then 6 instead of 8 on the right.

He felt it would be best to stim for one more day and then trigger - I said well okay then with a big smile of course. Then he chuckled and said Tammi had told him about Jessica's grad and he felt another day was best anyhow. Could I breathe a bigger sigh of relief? Now the stress is where have all the follies gone? I am praying we get more from less and that they are all mature and heck while praying if they could all fertilize and all divide like good little embryos that would be cool too :D

Edited to add my E2 was 4700 today. More than doubled since Saturday so we are still going ahead with trigger tomorrow! Yippee! Now, follies, no more imploding and no more disappearing acts please!

Sunday, June 17, 2007

I am exhausted

Seriously exhausted. Day 3 of driving to and from Victoria and I am so dog dead tired right now. We left early so that I could take Randy for breakfast along the way, it being Father's Day and all. Stopped in Duncan at White Spot - it was packed. Propped my eyelids open while we waited for our breakfast. then off to an 11am appt with Caroline - yes she made a special appt for me since she was meeting another client for acu at VFC. Well she called at like 1050 and said don't rush, she was stuck at VFC. So we sauntered over to the mall to get Jessica her 'grad' dress for Wednesday. Did some browsing and then made our way back over to the office as Caroline had opened it for me earlier. She called about 1145 to tell me to come to VFC as they wanted to squeeze me in and she would go back to the office and wait for me. I felt so bad but she was totally okay with it. So off to VFC and OMG, do they ever look tired. Hectic week for them to say the least. D Spence was very funny today. "Just waiting for the 'goo' Tammi". I asked if that was the technical name for it LOL. Then in with the coochie cam and he said " wow look at that puppy!". Tammi laughed and said wow we have goo and a puppy, interesting day LOL.

Follies are not really matching up with Friday but whatever, here were today's numbers:
R=10, 13, 16, 16, 17, 18, 19, 22
L=7, 13, 17
Lining is 10.3 woot

Now here is the ultimate kick in the stomach though. Before we started this cycle I said, we cannot be in the clinic Weds the 20th because it is Jessica's grad. Guess when he wants me to trigger? Sigh. I really don't know what to do. He is making me come back AGAIN tomorrow morning at the crack ass of dawn (forgive my language I am tired and can't control it anymore) for E2 and a scan in Victoria (as in be in Victoria by 7am). He said if we hadn't mentioned no to Weds (actually Tammi said she cannot be here Weds am and he said he wasn't comfortable triggering me tonight) he was going to just tell us to trigger tomorrow night but now he is leaving it up to Dr H. I don't know why we couldn't trigger tonight - they are all a good size aren't they? He said it will be up to "Stephen" to make the decision for me.

I asked Tammi afterwards what she thought and she said well we will do what we can, we did know about this before but we won't sacrifice the cycle either. So it will be in my good doctors hands. It won't be a great morning - they are already doubled booked from 8am on so who knows how long I will be there. I am aiming to hit the MDS lab @ 7 and VFC for 8.

How can I choose between my daughter and my future babies? OMG this sucks even more since I seem to have no coping mechanism left right now. And I have to drive AGAIN. Dang every bump kills and I am sick of that freaking drive. This will be #5 in less than a week. Plus Randy won't be there so when he tells me that I have to trigger and miss her grad I am sure I will just melt into a big pile of tears and lose it and STILL have to drive home.

Ugh hormones SUCK!

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Saturday Craziness

Okay really quick update - I am sorry I am behind on emails to all of my online gals - I promise to catch up soon.

We left at 530 to go for know one would assume we would have figured out by now that leaving 2.5 hrs in advance is really not necessary. Got to Victoria around 640ish. Boring. We were sitting in Ran's truck listening to XM when a guy stands in line at 720am. Lord, 40 minutes early for freaking blood work. So Randy said he would go stand in line for me but I told him to wait until the next vehicle drove up. Well sure enough, another car comes not 5 minutes later. So off he went to stand in line. The guy saw us so he told Randy to go in front of him so I ended up first in line but lord, this lining up for b/w is insane.

After that we drove back home, got Jess dressed in her Highland gear and off to the Port Theatre for her rehearsal. I had a hair appt @ 1130 so when I was still standing there with her at 1133 I was panicking. The mom supervisor hadn't showed up yet. So that threw a monkey wrench into things as I didn't get to the salon until 1150. But Brenda is a doll and got me in and all fixed up (ba-bye roots). Randy went and picked up Miss Jessica and came back to get me.

Oh and my E2 numbers were 1920 today so they upped my Gonal-F to 225 for tonight. Tammi called mid-hair cut and also asked if they could switch me to 12:15 since they have another procedure tomorrow. Busy place!

Now it is get a few chores done and then back to the theatre to get Jess to her recital. I am so looking forward to seeing peanut on stage!

Friday, June 15, 2007


Okie dokie here was the scan results:

Right- 16, 16, 15, 15, 10, 9, 8
Left - 16, 10, 10, 7

Lining 7.3 (boy this is low compared to last cycles 13mm).

Edited to add...

Okay E2 is up to 1379 from 203. Now they are worried it is going up to fast. I personally think it is perfect since that is what is supposed to happen when you go off Letrozole - E2 was suppressed and now wooooosh E2 goes up. Anyhow I don't have the Dr in front of my name so I shall not question the powers that be.

My dosage has been dropped now. Gonal-F down to 200, Menopur stays at 150 and I add Cetrotide in tonight to prevent me from ovulating. I have to drive all the way back to Victoria tomorrow to get bloodwork drawn and then again on Sunday for another scan. The fun never stops.

Oh and I am eating chips and having pizza for dinner just in case anyone really cares LOL.

You know IVF is taking over your life when...

You wake your husband up at 3am to say 'hun we have to choose and I am confused'. You see in reality Jess had woken up and was crying and that's what woke me out of some bizarre Pirate-Master-does-IVF dream (reality show du jour). So I sat up, woke him and started spouting off some gibberish about having to choose (choose what? embies? meds? doctors?). Then I heard Jess calling and said 'never mind, Jess is up' and he got up to see what she needed while I went back to sleep (yes he rocks and gets up for her any night she wakes up which isn't very often).

WTH was that all about?

Well I am off to see the wizard. First a very quick date with Dracula @ MDS Nanaimo. Then off for acu in Victoria and then a I-am-so-not-looking-forward-to-this-appointment with Dr Spence.
When is Dr. H back???????????????????

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

3 things

1 - please tell me I am not ovulating. I have excruciating left ovary pain right now - been goign on for hours accompanied by red face - typical hormone surge face.

2 - wth has happened to my memory? Ever since I started stims I can't remember anything. I started to leave with slippers on yesterday.

3-I just lost another lb. Am I the only freakish woman on stims that actually loses weight instead of gaining? Bizarre.

Getting an associates degree in reproductive endicronology

Bare with the clinical side of this...
Relative potencies of anastrozole and letrozole to suppress estradiol in breast cancer patients undergoing ovarian stimulation before in vitro fertilization
Azim, A.A., et al. - Breast cancer patients undergoing controlled ovarian hyperstimulation (COH) for the purpose of oocyte or embryo cryopreservation who were stimulated with letrozole had lower mean estradiol levels than those who were stimulated with anastrozole Methodology
  • Breast cancer patients were stimulated with letrozole (n=47) or anastrozole (n=7) during COH
  • The mean estradiol levels were higher in the group stimulated with anastrozole than the group stimulated with letrozole on the day before and day of oocyte retrieval (1325.89 and 2515 vs 427 and 714, respectively)
  • With the exception of estradiol levels, all other cycle parameters were similar between the two groups of patients (i.e., length of stimulation, total gonadotropin dose, number of mature follicles, and number of embryos cryopreserved)

Okay, yes I realize this study is based on other things but look at those E2 numbers in the Letrozole group! I have my fingers crossed that I have an estrogen spike by Friday/Saturday.Okay I have also found that Letrozole is big in the steroid community. Body builders use it to get rid of their moobs (man boobs) and to draw out the last bit of water before a competition. Okay like I care but I have some interesting numbers from a couple of their logs:
Letrozole (Femara) also does quite a few things which would be of interest to both bodybuilders and athletes. Firstly, it has been shown to reduce estrogen levels by 98% or greater (1). In at least one documented incidence, Letrozole (Femara) reduced estrogen in the test subject to undetectable levels, and increased LH, FSH and SHBG (4). Clearly this is all of interest to bodybuilders, as less estrogen in the body means less chance of certain side effects such as water-retention, Gynocomastia, and acne. This makes Letrozole (Femara) an appropriate choice for even the heaviest bulking or cutting cycles including harsh androgens. Also, if you are a competitive bodybuilder, Letrozole (Femara) is a must have product for contest prep; no other Ancillary compound will produce a dry and tight look like Letro will.

An effective dose of Letrozole (Femara) is .25-.5mg/day (I use .25mgs/day), but be forewarned, if you go over that amount, it can kill your sex drive. Also worth noting is that there´s a rebound effect on your estrogen when you come off Letrozol. Maximum inhibition of the aromatase enzyme has been found to happen at doses as low as 100mcg! (2)

Okay still following me? A 98% reduction in E2?? Very interesting. Kill my sex drive? ROFL, anyone experiencing IVF knows that for the most part the dildo cam gets more action than the husband (sorry hun, I do love you, my hormones are just shot). What excites me and I am praying for is that rebound effect when one comes off Letrozole. I took my last 2 pills last night. It has a 45 hour 1/2 life (so out of the system in 2-4 days). Theoretically if that is what is causing my E2 levels to be low, then 2-4 days after my last pills my estrogen levels should SPIKE (poor Randy). If (big if) I am correct (please let me be right here, for my ovaries sake) then someone needs to be shot for not explaining this to me before I left the clinic yesterday.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Follie check

Well here it is, 4:31am and I am off to Victoria this morning. Bloodwork at 730, acu at 8 and scan at 930. I will be seeing Dr. Spence today...kind of nerve-wracking to have a complete stranger with the dildo-came up the va-jay-jay but hey, you check your dignity at the door when it comes to infertility.

Morning update:

Sigh...deja-vu cycle happening again. Only 8 follies, sizes all over the place. 11, 9, 9, 9, 4 and 10, 8, 6. Lining was only 3. On my first cycle, my first scan also had the same type of breakdown (5 on right, 3 on left) but only one follicle was leading, the rest were all very close in size (10, 10, 7, 7,7 and 13, 10, 9 lining 13). Now granted that scan was after 7 days of stims and this was after 4 days of stims but so what? Still a big wide stretch from 6 up to 11. How will that 6 ever catch up and there is pretty much no chance of any new follies popping up now.

Dr S said he will wait for my E2 numbers and then decide what to do to 'make the most' of this cycle. Can I say the f word without offending anyone reading this? Cause f*^#, why can't I have more follicles than that? Now I am right back to Miss Positive Thinking (not) and worried that I won't even make it to transfer (on med day 5, lord, it's going to be a long haul).

I will update again once he calls with my numbers. I am nauseous just thinking about it.

Monica called, E2 was only 203..not good at all.

Edited one last time...I just totally caved and ate pizza. Now the distended belly is budha belly. Totally regret that after finally having lost another lb today bringing me down to a 10lb loss. Grrrrrrrrrr.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

All is well

Dr H. replied back and said no, I didn't screw anything up, all is well. Phew! Sometimes I really let worry and stress get the best of me don't I?

I always feel like I shouldn't be asking any questions and like I am a pest when I do. They have told me repeatedly to call or email at any time so I guess I need to get over it. I think I am so used to the 'system' of being rushed in and rushed out that now we are dealing with private health care that it just seems like I am doing something wrong when I need a question answered.

Gawd just reading that I realize how stupid I sound.

Saturday, June 9, 2007

Stimming along

First night of stims went fine. Stupid me mixed the full 2ml of diluent in with the Menopur so it stung a little. The Femara gives me a headache for about 2 hours along with raising my core temperature to about that of a volcano. It is short lived though so can't really complain. Whatever works, right? Certainly better than evil Clomid, that's for sure.

Dr. H called me this afternoon. He seemed concerned about me not getting my call on Friday and was double checking on what I took for meds and which lab I got my b/w done at (he didn't get results until late). I didn't ask any questions but I am second guessing myself right now. Was I not supposed to start? I mean my calendar shows that I was but I don't know, I just feel like something isn't right. My E2 maybe wasn't as low as what it was supposed to or ??? He changed my appt to Tuesday - said I needed to be seen within 5 days of stims. He won't be there so I have to see Dr. Spence. You know when you just get that worried and sick feeling in your stomach and can't quite put your finger on why? Well that is how I am feeling about now. I did email him a few questions but if he is going away I probably won't hear back so I will just have to wait until Tuesday for my scan to tell me whether something isn't right or not.

Gave myself my injects tonight. I know Randy likes to do it but he said he doesn't really care, one way or another s I did it. Went really well too. No pain, no stinging (that's what all this padding is good for!).

Busy day tomorrow - barns, house, dance and I need to get some work(business) done ASAP! I spent all day today on the computer. I got a ton of web design stuff updated so at least that is out of the way. Now to work on the WP redesign and my FPG biz for the next few days. All of this should keep my obsessive mind from obsessing, right?

I hear Whitesnake playing in the background

Here we go again on our own.....those words keep playing in the deepest (scariest) depths of my mind today. Here we are, back on the IVF wagon one more time. How on earth did that happen so fast?

So back-tracking a little. Got my b/w done in Nanaimo yesterday morning. Got there at 15 minutes before the doors opened yet there was still 6 people in front of me. I guess if I had been fasting for 12 hours I would want to be first in line too. Instead I stood there rudely drinking my x-large decaf from Tim's (was that wrong?). Anyhow, left the bldg at 746 and then off to Victoria for acu @ 915. Barely made it on time but I met Caroline and had a good hour of acu. It kind of hurt this time - assumably because she was working on areas directly related to my current cycle. Then Randy and I went across to the mall and browsed the bookstore to waste some time before my next appt. Off to Dr. H and my dreaded Cd2 scan. Everyone seemed happy enough - Robert was friendly as usual and stopped to chat with us. When they called me in I darted off to the bathroom and made sure 'everything' was ready for the scan, went into the room, dis-robed faster than lightening and up on the table flat LOL. In came Dr. H and the new nurse (I think she's new?) and it was fast. 3 antral follicles on each side and one collapsed corpeus luteum. Good to go pending E2 levels. We had to wait while they typed up a protocol for me (had the drusg but no idea and how much or when). Found out I was starting meds right away!!!!! That came as a shocker! It certainly wasn't the most in-depth appointment, kind of felt a bit rushed but I have the info I need so it doesn't matter I guess. I asked Tammi if she would call with my E2 numbers and she said yes, later in the day (normal for us up-island gals).

Well as everyone knows, I sit and practically stare at my phone for hours when waiting for VFC to call. No call. 5pm, 6pm, 7pm rolls by..nothing. Randy and I decided to just go ahead and take the meds but then I started thinking, what if I take them and I wasn't supposed to? At over $450 bucks a day, I was starting to panic at the thought of wasting a days worth of meds. So I called the coordinators after-hours cellphone @ 830 and got Monica. She called Tammi and then called back and said I was good to go. I apologized profusely for bothering her (I hate calling at any time, never mind in the evening) and she said that Tammi did call me earlier and left a VM. Um not to my knowledge and not on my cell or home phone. I checked those over and over last night - not sure what happened there but now I am all stressed about being a PIA again.

My protocol is Letrozole/Femara 5mg/day for 5 days, 300 units of Gonal-F/day and 150 units Menopur/day plus baby aspirin and prenatals. No idea when I start the Cetrotide, it isn't even listed on my sheets they gave me. I found a great article on this protocol here.

Oh and I don't go back until next Thursday - which is after 6 days of stims.

So yes, here we go again..........

Thursday, June 7, 2007

AF reads blogs!

She must because the evil witch showed up mid-gymnastics today. All of the sudden PLOOSH and I knew she had found her way back into my life.

Okay wench, now you are here, make it short and be on your way. I don't want to see you for say, oh I don't know, at least 12 months.

Called VFC and spoke to Tammi. She was going to call me today to find out what was happening so I guess I am psychic or something LOL. I said FINALLY Cd1. She said okay, go ahead and start your meds on Cd3 if your E2 levels are low tomorrow. I said no scan? Not because I want one but originally Dr. H said he wanted to see me on Cd2 or Cd3. She said oh well then I will ask him and call you back. I do need a protocol as well LOL. I mean I have my meds but I have no idea when or how much I will be taking. Kind of bizarre to have $4500 worth of meds and I have no idea what I am doing with them...

Edited to add...Tammi called me back and I am to have my E2 checked first thing tomorrow morning, then I will go to get acu @ 915am, then off to see Dr. H @ 1130. Woot, we are starting again. This is lucky #2 :)

Um, where are you?

Dear Aunt Flo,

Helloooooooo, been a long time since we chatted. I am trying to use that patience I have heard so much about but um, where are you? For how many months when I didn't want you to arrive you would show up on time, sometimes even a day or two early? Now when I need you, you are MIA. That is not very nice AF. I am actually getting a tad pissy about it. See I have all the warning signs that you are coming...I can hear Randy chew all his food, everyone on the road keeps cutting me off or is driving irrationally and the little flask of patience that I keep in my back pocket is pretty much full of sand right now. But still, no ding dong the witch is here.

Hope this letter finds you well. Please RSVP as soon as possible.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

I wrote dad's obituary this morning...

In loving memory of Max Albert Joseph Paquin


It is with great sadness that we say goodbye to our beloved father and grandfather, Max Paquin.

Born November 20, 1939 in Quebec City, dad passed away at Dufferin Place Extended Care Unit of Nanaimo General Hospital. Dad leaves behind his two daughters, Christina Anne Langelier and Melissa Anne Baird as well as his 4 grandchildren, Jessica Jordyn Langelier, Kayla Rathgeber & Chelsy and Ross Cussack.

Dad, we miss you deeply but are thankful that you no longer must struggle with the confines of a hospital bed and can freely move around once again after so many years of pain and suffering. You have and always will be a great man and we will forever hold your memories close to our hearts.

I Love you forever,

I Like you for always,

As long as I'm living, my Daddy you will be

Friday, June 1, 2007

The details

I got the call at 6am yesterday that he had passed in his sleep. I knew about an hour before though...I had all these thoughts about Melina and grandmother (who have also passed on) and when the phone rang I just knew.

He is in such a better place now though. 23 years he has been confined to a hospital bed and the past 6 months have been the worst. I have watched his health go up and down, up and down but never get back up. So I knew this was coming but you can only prepare yourself so much. I am happy for him going to a place where he can move freely and not suffer the indignities that his paralysis caused him. I am happy that he has family to meet him on the other side. Still I can't shake the sadness that creeps up on me every few hours and flushes my eyes with tears. I am angry because I just need to be angry right now. I am pissed that within 2 hours of getting that phone call they had all of his things packed into a cardboard box. I am pissed that his POA didn't have his cremation arrangements made in advance. I am pissed that some funeral homes charge up to $1000 more for the excat same service. I am pissed that I don't know what to do with myself. Mostly I am just pissed off, just because I am pissed off.

Thursday, May 31, 2007


My dad passed away last night. Sigh....

Monday, May 28, 2007


One more lb gone. 14 to go.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Gawd just ovulate already

Sheesh x 1000000000. I have been due to ovulate for days now. Actually now my ovaries are messing with my June schedule because if I don't ovulate soon, then the whole month will be screwed up. Just pop and egg already so we can get on with the month.

Okay edited to add that I just got a + on my OPK. Not the perfect + but I am going to say it's officially a surge. Woo-friggin-hoo. Now just pop an egg - no need to wait the obligatory 36 hrs either.

Friday, May 25, 2007


Well Dr. Hudson faxed in all my prescriptions to Mark today. He called while I was at preschool so I just dropped Jess off with Randy and stopped in there before my consult with Sandra's Ink (to get my ankle tattoo fixed - bummer, she cant get it done until August).

Anyhow Mark is on the ball as usual and had the list all printed up. Drum roll please...

Gonal-F 300 pen x 8
HCG 10000 x 1
Menopur 75 unit x 40
Prometrium 100mg x 200
Doxycycline 100mg x 10
Estrace 2mg tab x 40
Cetrotide .25 x 4
Femara 2.5mg x 10

Holy crap that's over $4700 bucks worth of meds . I am absolutely FREAKING out because we owe K&M so much now and I have no idea how we can ever pay it off. I mean we will find a way, maybe when we re-mortgage the house next year, I don't know but we will find a way. And it is all worth it if we end up with a beautiful little baby or two in the end.

Michele called me right as I was at the pharmacy and offered to take Jess to Regina in June so that Randy can stay home and so that we don't need to worry about our schedules. I was shocked as Randy and I have actually discussed this but then said nahh way too much to ask of anyone (especially them, they have done enough KWIM?). Then I chatted with Jess about it and she totally started crying...I wasn't sure what to think. Then we got home, talked it over and she decided yes she wants to go with auntie Michele. So now I have to pretend that I am not sad to have her gone for 4 days. I mean that has never happened before, That umbilical cord is barely hanging by a thread as it is :( I know they will take wonderful care of her and she will be doted on 24/7 but it's me I am feeling sorry for. *sigh* Oh and just picture me all doped up on hormones having to say goodbye at the airport. Ugh not a pretty scene (actually might be best to say goodbye elsewhere rather than the airport...).

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Great day in Victoria!

Well yesterdays visit to Victoria was great! I had my first acu with Stephanie - very relaxing. I actually fell asleep while the needles and electrodes were on my back (accompanied with my funky new lines from sleeping on my face mid-day). She wants me to come back twice a week up until I start stims and then I would come at 'least' twice a week, coinciding with my visits to VFC. Next visit she will work on my sinuses as well as my fertility spots and she also said she has some spots for all the emotions (okay so on the original form I filled out, I checked off almost all the emotions that it listed under 'have you experienced in the past 3 months...'). Hey whatever works right? I mean my next cycle will be starting in like 2 weeks. Holy crap batman.

So once done with acu we were off to see Dr Hudson. With a little elevated pitter patter of my heart rate we were off (thank you Stephanie for telling us to just follow Quadra - how convenient!). Amazing how old worries pop up all over again. I keep thinking what if he looks and finds no follies? What if I have cysts that just don't want to leave? We sat for almost 45 minutes while I pretended to be calm and read magazines - not complaining, I don't expect appointments to run on-time there. I mean, most ovaries that I know of don't have clocks so you have to be flexible. We were the last appointment of the day because failed IVF and miscarriages are always last so that he has time to speak to you as well as there are probably a lot of tears shed during some of these appointments.

So once we went in to see him we sat down and he asked how we were doing etc and said he really wanted to do a scan before anything else so off for a date with the DC. So to the exam room. You know the routine.... short on, everything else off, cover with flimsy sheet, giggle with husband because you're nervous...the fun goes on. First he did a quick check of my cervix - said it looks healthy. Then for the funniest IVF moment ever. As he is getting ready to use the ultrasound wand (aka the dildo cam) he is chatting with Randy about the university courses he is taking. Okay understand this is going on simultaneously while prepping the wand. Then he said to me 'are you ready?' (nod) and inserts the u/s and at that moment he says "do you like it?". I almost burst out laughing at that point. I couldn't even look at Randy or I would have cracked. Now folks realize he was asking RANDY if he liked his courses however in some sick, perverted, nervous minds, it sounded like he was talking to me. I didn't think Randy even caught it but when Dr H left the room he just started giggling. He most definitely had caught it.

Anyhow, I digress. The good news - ovaries look fine (about to ovulate), lining is fine (no leftover tissue) and we are all set to go. My body has had an amazing recovery if you ask me. So off we went to discuss our next protocol. He thinks timing wise we should be fine in June. He said we could always freeze sperm if we needed to but that would mean Randy would not be there for ER and I am NOT comfortable with that at all. Again it all depends on this cycle ending ON TIME. Ya I know, who am I kidding? I need to pop an egg by Friday to be on time and so far, no LH surge yet on the OPKs which isn't a good sign. He did say I was about to ovulate but he didn't say how soon. The follies I saw on screen were huge so it's got to be soon (please be soon, please be soon).

And so we begin the next leg of this craziness....

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Another one bites the dust

One more lb gone, total 8 lbs lost. 15 to go for healthy bmi.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Feeling green

Yuck I hate being sick. Not that I think anyone likes being sick, I just think I hate it that much more.

Nicole emailed me Friday and told me that little Avril had come down with the flu so be prepared...and I was - I watched Jess like a hawk. Yes well Jess is fine but mama here started getting weird cramps yesterday. Heh, for a moment I actually thought I was ovulating early (couldn't be that lucky). I was fine until dinner time when I really started feeling my 'guts' rocking too and fro. I still ate dinner and being the die-hard vitamin fan that I am, took all my supplements shortly thereafter. Well suffice it to say that this was not the smartest Stina move of the century. I wasn't vomiting but everything else that accompanies a stomach flu was hitting me about every 10 minutes - I will spare y'all the gory details. But alas I did sleep last night. That was until 5:52am. Yes right in the middle of a dream where DR. H was telling me about my new protocol I awoke to those rumblings again. Ran as fast as I could to the bathroom. This is when I started to get dizzy, spiked a massive fever and felt the nausea kick in. I had to yell at Jessica down the hall to go and get daddy because I was sure I was going to pass out. OMG worst hour of sickness I have felt but after that I managed to lie down and start burning off the poison. I slept on and off until 9 and started to recoup from there. Once I took an Imodium I was way better and even managed to eat some toast.

But I am beat - had so much to do this weekend and got hardly anything done. Thank god for my work-a-holic husband as he went out and cleaned all the barns for me and also built the last 2 flower beds that needed to be done. So I dragged my butt outside this afternoon and planted my Mother's Day hostas and watered the rest of the beds. Now I am looking at the floor and trying to psych myself into sweeping and mopping. So far I am failing LOL but if I get another burst of post-flu energy I will get off my butt and clean my house, promise.

Friday, May 18, 2007


down 7 lbs, 16 to go.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Dr. H is back!!

What a nice surprise to see a call from VFC come through tonight. Dr. H is back and pulled my file only to see the craziness that went on while he was gone with my betas and all. Of course they didn't have all the details of my trip to the ER so I filled him in on that hell night as well. He was worried about how I was feeling and I told him that while most women would look at the AF after a miscarriage as sad, I found a whole bunch of positives to dwell on (I was pregnant, IVF did work albeit for only a short time). He asked when I was ready to cycle again and I said RIGHT AWAY! So it looks like my next cycle will go as follows. AF starts (June 4th-ish), CD2 get bloodwork and go to Victoria for an u/s (eww on cd2, gross but I guess he has seen it all, right? ). Cd3 start Femara for 5 (or 6 I can't remember) days and also start stims. No BCP, he wants me to start on my natural cycle. Since I abhor BCP that was probably the best part of my night. Can you believe I am starting again so soon? How freaking exciting! And how nice is my doctor to call me personally when he just got back from vacation?

I am feeling very positive about this next IVF cycle - more positive than I ever felt about #1.


Scale is down 6 lbs today! 17 lbs to go!

Saturday, May 12, 2007


Nuff said.

Friday, May 11, 2007

and the answer is 4 for ONE Million Dollars

Dale called and my beta is down to 4...I am officially no longer pregnant. I am ecstatic yet at the same time sad as the reality of a miscarriage has finally set in.

Cramps | Spotting | Life Goes On

Yes boys and girls, I awoke not 15 minutes ago and our 'friend' AF is knocking on my door. Just sitting here I can feel some cramps settling in too. Looks like we are back in business. She is even on schedule (today is CD23, I was 'due' for AF tomorrow, on CD 24).

I am so psyched!

Tuesday, May 8, 2007


I got up at 3am to feed kittens and decided to test again. It is almost pure white - maybe a hint of a shadow but that could just be the drying line/evap since I didn't look at the test until 6am LOL.

Now I will go get my beta tomorrow...better be >5.

Monday, May 7, 2007

Today's forecast - happy!

Yes I admit it, I am cheerful and happy today. Shocking I know, it's been a long time. I spent the weekend massively cleaning my house. I mean some major cleaning got done (and not completed yet). Went to a BBQ at K&M's last night and just am starting to feel like good ole Stina again. What a relief! Now what I am hoping for is a - low low beta this week and b-PMS. Yes our old friend AF is welcome here any day now. For me that will symbolize the end to this angels will be with me but not with me.

I booked my first acupuncture visit today as week. It will be on the 23rd before my appointment with Dr. Hudson. That will be a productive day I hope. I am very excited to see how acupuncture works for me. I also got Randine Lewis' book 'The Infertility Cure' and anotehr book on TTC called 'Inconceivable' today. Excited to dive into both.

So things are looking up. I am going to take advantage of the sunshine and go get my chores done and take Jess on the trampoline.

Friday, May 4, 2007

Beta May 4

45. Bah.

In the words of Alanis

So I was posting to my BG at FF and I realized the irony of the day. 2 more BFP's popped up yesterday (yay!) and one more due today. So as I think about her sitting and waiting for news of her beta I think about me, opposite end of the spectrum, awaiting the news of mine as well. Two women, both praying for the answer they want, from the exact same test albeit praying for completely different results.

Isn't it ironic...

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Poor Jess

So I just knew the doctor I brought her to last week was whacked. I took her to see MY doctor today and her left ear is fine but her right ear has "serious otitis media". She goes to an ENT specialist on the 17th (same day as her eye checkup poor kid) but he thinks she needs a tube put in [just before summer and swimming :( ]. He also took a swab and he will call tomorrow with a course of action. I told him the other doctor said use the balloon on a straw and his jaw hit the ground and when I told him he also said put her on pseudoephedrine I thought he was going to pop. She went nuts on it (pretty close to pink elephant crazy) so I took her off after 2 days anyhow but he said stop wasting my money. He is a little concerned she may have some allergies which are extending this cold (please god do not let her be allergic to cats) too.

On a positive note (2 in one week, pick your jaw off the ground) I had my eyes checked today. I get some pretty major headaches after reading so my GP sent me. Had the glaucoma test (how old do I look???) and then those nasty nasty drops that dilate your pupils. Well so far my pupils have not gone back to normal. I am sitting about 3 feet away from the computer right now and can barely squint with sunglasses on. My pupils are so freaking big I look like I'm on crack (well I assume that's what crackhead eyes look like, never been that close LOL). Anyhow I still have 20/20 vision and just spend too much time on the computer (ahem) so I need more breaks during the day.

Oh and lookey lookey, I am not crying today!! Thank goodness it would probably hurt like heck with those drops in there. I have even made a few jokes and had regular conversation with Randy that did not involve 1 - my uterus 2 - my ovaries - 3 my uterus. I am so proud. And I just did an HPT and it is super faint. Woo freakin hoo. I will never be so happy to see ONE line on a pg test as I am praying to see this week. Believe it or not, I am somewhat relieved not to be getting another beta done today. One less thing to worry about - at least for another day.

Ps I have already lost 4 lbs this week but ate McDonald's for lunch today (my 'chauffeur' is a bad influence) so I will bloat for a day or tow. Still the scale is moving in the right direction FINALLY!

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Hormones oh my

So I get a call from my local OB's nurse who tells me not to go in until Friday for my next beta. Great more patience needed. For some reason that made me cry, a lot. So finally I call Randy and tell him and he said just call VFC and talk to Dale or anyone who can answer my questions. That also made me cry. Finally I pull myself together and decide I'll call Dale because I need to ask these questions or else lose my freaking mind. I also thought well if I cal this morning I will get her VM so I can leave her a message and she can call back later this afternoon (they are usually in procedures in the am). Well she answered and that also made me cry. Argh! I hate feeling so dang out of control right now. I had to squeak out the last 2 weeks history because she just got back but she was able to answer my questions. Normal to not have another beta run Weds - she said Dr H sometimes will say test every Monday/Wednesday to every Friday etc until it drops below 5. I asked about not having another AF again and she said that it is not all that unusual. She said I will probably see Dr H in a couple weeks anyhow so not to worry unless I have something major come up (referring to the still possible ectopic). She also said call anytime (reading my mind that I always feel like such a pest calling - feel even worse when I am crying).

Oh on a positive note (yes I know those are few and far between lately), I had emailed the acupuncture clinic in Victoria last night. They specialize in infertility and come highly recommended from many online friends and Dr. Hudson. Stephanie emailed me back and gave me their usual protocol for an IVF cycle. I would come 2xx week for 4 weeks prior to ER and then once about 5 days after transfer. $90 for the first consult and then $70 for each acu. If it helps well that would be icing on the proverbial cake. Now I just need to make a consult appointment and get started. Not sure I should even bother until this cycle ends but maybe some acu right now might de-stress me? Oh oh I mentioned stress, here come the tears again.

Monday, April 30, 2007

I'm really sad

Well I knew this set of emotions would come eventually. Happened to hit me today while I was feeding the kittens. I turned on channel 19 and it was a Baby Story. Now I know better than to watch this stuff. I was actually just 'watching' it for the most part and then it was the actual birthing part. That's when it hit me...those little embies I had growing inside of me are never going to be born. They are never going to meet their big sister or their daddy. Never going to scream all night so mom can't sleep. No torturing the cats or learning how to ride a bike. Nothing. How sad is that? Suddenly I had this burning sensation in my stomach and tears in my eyes and I can't shake it. I am so thankful for Jessica. She is truly the light at the end of the day. Many women can never even have one child and I feel so selfish for wanting another so badly. But it consumes me. I think about it constantly. I can hold my stomach and feel a baby growing inside of me - feeling the sparkles when they first start moving around. There is a silent bond created during a pregnancy that is unexplainable. It is this quiet mother/child communication, all day, every day. I remember feeling like it was our own little secret that no one else could share. It is so hard to put into words the amazing 9 months that pregnancy holds. There are ups and downs, especially the first trimester. But I wouldn't give up that part of my life for all the riches in the world.

So I am sad today. I need to have closure and to move on and I am just not getting that. I so desperately want Jess to be a big sister. She talks about it endlessly. I desperately want to make Randy a daddy again and yes selfishly, I want to be a mommy (again). Bah I am really really sad today......

Beta results April 30

Beta is down to 143. Still no AF just an ever so faint spot every now and then. Shouldn't they drop faster????

Sunday, April 29, 2007


I'm spotting, I'm spotting. Please please let this be a sign that this cycle is FINALLY going to end so I can grieve and move on. I can't handle the wondering and worry anymore.

Edited to add that spot has left the building .

Oh and my sweet husband bought me a Timmy's Iced Cap tonight because I am going on major diet tomorrow. I only had about 1/4 of it as did he because it was so dang sweet. Again I forget that these things have freaking caffeine in them and now I am wired and have been having heart palpitations for 2 hours. Either I need more caffeine in my diet so this doesn't happen anymore or I really need to start remembering NOT to drink any major caffeinated drinks. Like we don't have enough stress in our lives without me all buzzed out :|

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Focusing on the future

Well today was a busy day. Jess had dance practice for her exam next Thursday - yes a National Highland Exam at age 4. Every child gets a certificate and a medal for "competing" that comes directly to them from Scotland. I worry about the stress of an exam for a 4 year old but I think that's just me - all she cares about is dancing and getting that medal.

Anyhoo, so that was from 10-11 and then off to the preschool's spring fair. We were there until 1 and then drove home real quick, fed the bottle baby kittens, changed, got Jess all dolled up and then off to K&M's for Brittany's pre-prom celebration with a quick shop at the flower shop (ouch Blue roses cost us $33 ). Jess was insistent on blue flowers for Brit's blue dress and I didn't ask when she picked the blue roses - my fault and I wasn't about to ask the girl to start pulling apart the bouquet either. So we were there until 6pm an then back home, dinner, feed kittens, Jess to bed and here I sit with my thoughts again.

When I spoke to Dr H. last Sunday I asked what could I do to improve my next cycle. I said I was planning on losing some weight and he told me okay, avoid simple carbs, cut out dairy, lower fat, quality proteins (not necessarily in that order). I had already cut caffeine out although I have been sliding on that for the past few weeks with the warmer weather some diet coke has been accidentally falling into my mouth....He told me to cut out the Evening Primrose (all cycle) and cut my B6 down to 50mg (I need to clarify that because at one point I was taking extra to extend my LP so I am not sure if that was what he was referring to or if he meant in my multi B stress tabs that keep me 'sane').

So the providia diet I was on lats year that shed the 45lbs is all of that to a T. No dairy (boohoo, bye bye cheese), specific carbs (small potato, 1/2 cup brown rice type carbs), lots of veggies and low glycemic fruits (for which the only 2 that don't send me running to the candy store are strawberries and cantaloupe). 5-6 smaller meals per day, combined to best fit each persons metabolism. The first 6 weeks I was on it I lost 23 lbs I think so that is my goal starting Monday. The only issue I will run in to this year is that tuna was a staple of my diet during that heavy weight loss and I am kinda spooked by tuna right now. There are actually govt warnings about consumption of tuna now and Randy gets downright PO'd at me when he hears me opening a can. I actually have questioned the sudden rise in FSH and shorter AF that occurred last year since it was simultaneously happening with the weight loss but that's probably my imagination (or is it?). Anyhow (man I babble a lot) this is my new goal. Shed 24 lbs over the next 6 weeks. Now I was a lot heavier last year when i started this plan but since I have gained 23 lbs since last summer(half of that due to evil clomid) I figure it is possible if I put my mind to it. 10lbs the first week (you lose weight fast) and then approx 2.5 lbs each week thereafter. That gets me back into a healthier BMI and in a MUCH better position for IVF #2 in June (staying positive that I will still get to cycle in June as it's all I can hold on to right now). I really want to fit back into my Bebe jeans that I treated myself to last August as well as all the rest of my cute clothes from last summer. (written with a bowl of Old Dutch sitting on my desk).

Okay lets see what else is keeping my mind off Monday's (hopefully fast dropping) beta numbers. Oh, I have finally come to the point where I am ready for a puppy. After losing my Gizmo, Caine AND Riker in the past year, we all have been a tad shell shocked in the dog department yet there is an emptiness that needs a wagging tail to fill. We have decided on a Golden after much discussion (Randy wanting another Rotti, Stina wanting a Bouv). We both love Goldens and just feel that with the farm, the cats and the kids(see starting to think positively again), that Goldens actually fit the best with our lifestyle. We are going to get one, make sure she is trained and then get a second 6 months to a year later. Then as Jesse gets older we will probably do agility with them (not going to show as I can't stand the politics). Now the long task of finding a reputable breeder who we can trust, who does pen-hip and who sells show quality pups. Not that I am picky or anything...

I have a garden to fill, a basement to tile and finish, the foier to tile and re-paint, 3 barns to paint, a chicken house to tin (okay that's Randy actually) and a heck of a lot of web design that needs to be caught up not to mention my business that I have been slacking on since this whole IVF thing came up 3 months ago. I am hoping that I will be less obsessed this next cycle and more focused on just life in general.

ROFL ya right but the thought must count for something, right?

Friday, April 27, 2007


I just sat down and opened my email and in my inbox is a newsletter from I don't know why that made me snicker butit did.

"Todays sponge - The most widely known contraceptive sponge in the world! ". Oh the irony .

Not good news

Dr Mathews just called...beta dropped to 223. We know for sure now this is not a viable pregnancy, now we have to sit and wait and pray that the numbers drop naturally.

I am really crampy - have been for a while now. I kind of thought it was the progesterone but maybe it is AF again. I can only hope that is the case, I really don't want to go through surgery without Dr Hudson.

You know, no matter how much I said I was expecting the worst, this has got to take the cake for disappointments this week. I feel like someone just ripped my heart out and stomped on it..

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Totally off the fertility topic

Yes once in a while I think about things that are not connected to my uterus. That thought at the moment is wth has happened to Grey's? My favorite show has really gone in the pooper lately. George and Izzy? Derek and Meredith on the rocks? Alex acting like a jerk again? Burke and Cristina happy? Have I crossed over into a parallel universe?

Shonda are you still writing? If you are maybe you need a holiday girlfriend because you are really starting to tick me off with these twists and turns. Yes I am hormonal (knew I would drag the poor uterus into this somehow)but it's not just me. I have IM's flashing right now asking, did you see Grey's? WTH is going on (like I am friends with the writer or something).

Okay I am done, just needed to be said. Oh and 4 more sleeps 'til Heroes. .

Trip to ER

Okay so remember the shoulder pain? Well about 5 minutes after I posted that it was fine, my regular IVF coordinator/nurse called me back. She wanted to know everything, scale of 1 to 5 how much pain, was I bleeding, any cramping etc. Then she said I think you need to be assessed but I just need to talk to the doctor first, I'll call you back. Okay I know our regional hospital - wait times are horrendous here so I tried to talk her out of it by telling her I was sure it was a muscle strain. No such luck, she called me and told me to go in ASAP and that the obgyn knew everything and would take good care of me.

So with some major crying and fast driving, we dropped Jess off (along with my bottle fed kittens) at aunties and then off to the hospital. Drove up and there were 6 ambulances and people everywhere because of a 6 car pileup. We arrived around 430 and didn't even get to the triage nurse until almost 530. She had talked to the obgyn already and he advised to get a CBC and QUANTITATIVE hcg and call him when it was done. 645, tech finally comes to take blood. In between all of this, we saw 3 pregnant women get checked in by relatives - one brought in by ambulance (33 weeks preterm labor) and another in a wheelchair whose husband was literally flying down the hallway to get to the elevator at lightening speed and we can hear the OBGYN staff and pediatrician paged constantly (stat to L&D, stat to L&D). We knew we were doomed LOL. 930 I am getting upset so finally ask if we have been forgotten (we are getting lapped by other people in the ER waiting room (yes we never got past those big glass doors), in and out, in and out - OMG you're still here? people). The new triage nurse (#2 since we've been there) says oh, well they ran the wrong blood test so we are re-running everything in the lab now. I said let me guess, you ran an qualitative hcg? Yes, sorry you were supposed to be updated. *sigh*, this is why I love my private health care. FF again to 1045. Off to the 3rd triage nurse to ask what's going on now. She looked at me and said YES, what can I help you with (rude witch) and I said look, we have been here since 430(eyes welling with tears). Oh are you here for Dr. M? Yesss. Oh he called us about 30 minutes ago, someone was supposed to update you. He is stuck in L&D and he figured he would be down within 30-45 minutes - that was 30 minutes ago. *sigh*, thanks for the update.

This whole time we are anxiously watching doctors and nurses do their and out and every time a new doctor would appear we would get excited. Do you think that's him Randy? Nah too young, nah too mean LOL. We saw this doctor when he came down and knew it was him - then we watched all the hustle and bustle when they couldn't find my chart. I am not knocking the doctor - labor and delivery does take priority (if I was in labor I would hope it did) but the rest of the hospital staff can kiss my butt. What a joke. One nurse said 'did she even go through admissions?I haven't seen her chart all night' and I heard so I stood up, held up the wristbands and shook them through the glass. Idiots.

Okay so now you've made it through all that unnecessary gibberish (I talk a lot when I am tired can you tell?) finally the consult. Oh there are no rooms. ROFL. He was like fine I will take bed #2. This doctor is actually super sweet and very apologetic. He knew my entire history because my clinic had filled him in (thank goodness that part was done). Beta was 271 (Monday was 106). We went through everyday since I first tested + on the HPT. He also felt that embie #1 implanted and miscarried (or chemical) and then embie#2 just didn't implant until late and now (wherever it is) is dividing as it should. the problem is we don't know - is it viable and barely hanging in on my minimal lining, is it a strong chemical pg or is it viable but ectopic. Inquiring minds want to know and we have NO answers. He did a pelvic exam and there was no pain, my cervix is long and closed ("perfect for this stage of pg") and my bloodwork all came back "excellent". I think it was my hemoglobin he checked and it was 138 - he said if there was any internal bleeding that number would have been very low. Shoulder pain is a muscle strain (which I knew from sitting in an uncomfortable chair for 6+ hours as my whole left shoulder, elbow and forearm hurt) so we aren't at a critical stage yet. He is going to take care of me while my RE is gone, that way I don't have to drive back and forth 2 hrs each way. He also gave me standing HCG tests at the hospital so no more waiting 7 hours - he will have them within just a couple. If and when my beta keeps doubling, then hopefully by Tuesday or Wednesday he will be able to get me in to his office and do an ultrasound. By that time they will be able to see something in my uterus and if they can't, well then we have worries. We talked about not doing the metho shot which he agreed to but only as long as if the ectopic is not in the section of the tube that is also in the uterus. If he does surgery there I could have permanent damage and never be able to carry full term he said in which case he would rather do the shot. My doctor said he would still operate so that is my only worry but I will cross that bridge if and when I need to.

So now we wait some more. Unless I suddenly have pain or bleeding I am to do nothing but pretend I am pregnant. The limbo continues....

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Okay I caved and called the clinic

I just talked to Monica and she said it is more in the collar bone area so I am okay. She still wanted to tell Dr Spence but I said I am not worried, please don't bother him (I hate being a pest). My left shoulder KILLS but I am pretty certain it is a muscle pull.

Other than that, had a very dark HPT this afternoon. It sucks not to be happy over 2 lines.


Mid-shower this morning I had sudden pain in my left shoulder, on my back. I know shoulder pain can be a sign of an ectopic rupture but I was under the assumption it was more to the front of your shoulder and the right side. I just want to be safe but now I am worried.

I think it is a muscle pain but I can't be sure. Going to ride it out and see how the day goes before calling and being a pest.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Worst night ever

I woke up at 330 to feed the baby kittens and all of the sudden I was sick. Here I am laying on the tile floor of the room trying to bottle feed these week old kittens. I was so nauseous, barely made it to the bathroom. I don't know if it is a flu big or what - there was no food in my stomach so I don't think it was food poisoning. I felt like my stomach was trying to turn inside out and I ended up taking gravol which was STUPID because it is not safe during pregnancy (at the time I was so out of it that it never crossed my mind). It can't be m/s this soon, especially with a beta of only 106. All that was in my tummy was my vitamins and supplements that I always take right before bed (note to self - gross, never take vitamins on a empty stomach again).

Okay must jot all this down...

04/16 Monday=12
04/18 Weds=19
04/20 Friday=30
04/23 Monday=106
04/26 Thursday=???

After the beta of 19 I was told to stop my meds. I had my last prog mid afternoon Weds. Thursday I was spotting all day and that turn into a light AF then Friday and Saturday were very heavy. Sunday it pretty much stopped until about 3am when I woke up cramping and major heavy AF and then slowed again yesterday morning. I actually was sure that was me miscarrying because it was really heavy and not, um, normal at all.

Monday, April 23, 2007

The drama continues

You guessed it, beta went up to 106. Most likely an ectopic pg but nothing we can do until the numbers rise to at least 1500. So I go for a repeat Thursday and then more waiting. There is a very VERY slim chance of a viable pregnancy but we are not to get our hopes up (and I have lost this baby like 3 times this week and can't handle it again). Theory being both embies implanted, one miscarried and the other little guy is tough and trying to stick around. But that is so very unlikely.

So literally we now wait. And I thought the 2ww sucked...

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Got my next protocol

We talked to Dr Hudson today. Barring complications from this IVF (waiting for betas to drop he is still concerned I have an ectopic pg going on), I will cycle again in June. He is changing my protocol to an antagonist protocol with letrozole added. As he looked through my first IVF he was happy with my response - much better response than what he thought but where he was disappointed was in quantity of eggs retrieved as well as the inconsistent growth. He feels this protocol will help with all of that. The letrozole helps with egg quality and quantity when accompanied with the injects (from the little bit I have read since we talked today). I asked about the estrogen priming but he really doesn't feel that is necessary for me since my E2 rose nicely and my endometrium was perfect throughout. The way he explained the new protocol really got us both excited, wish I could re-write it here LOL.

Praying for dropping beta numbers tomorrow. I don't want to go through a lap and D&C without my doctor which is the next step if the beta goes up. He is gone Tuesday for 3 weeks and well, I just don't trust anyone else (and Dr Spence doesn't do surgeries).

Friday, April 20, 2007


Tami called while we were shopping at SS tonight. She said I am so sorry your numbers went down. Asked whether I had gone off my meds etc and just confirmed my 1:15pm appt with Dr h. on Sunday. Just before she hung up I asked what were my numbers and she said oh 30. What??? I said but they went up and she had to go back and double check that I was right. She said well we need to worry now about an ectopic (slow rising numbers are common) but she would talk to Dr. Hudson and they would call me back or I could discuss it Sunday.

I just want this to be over with..why must we suffer through this loss any longer? :(

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Beta results

Well my beta was only 19 yesterday so I had to go off my meds and let nature take her course. About an hour before my call I decided to POAS one more time just so I was prepared for the call. Well of course they were positive again - yes all 8 that I had left. So I suddenly had a glimmer of hope again that maybe we had lost a twin and that's why my hcg dropped. Nope...chemical (hate that term) pregnancy.

So I assume AF will arrive any minute - I am so bloated today and spotting. I have a phone consult to chat with Dr H. on Sunday before he leaves for 3 weeks. Barring any scheduling difficulties, I will sit out one cycle and then do another fresh cycle right away. Tami wasn't 100% sure whether I would just start BCP after my next AF or if he would have me wait an additional cycle. Guess we will find out come Sunday.

Monday, April 16, 2007

I tested Sunday morning and got an ever so slight line on the FRER. Decided to hold my pee for a few hours and test again before I said anything to Ran. Well after 3+ hours I tested again - another faint line. Tested on another brand and got a positive, pulled out a digital and it said PREGNANT! I was flipping out because I was so sure that AF was around the corner. I didn't tell him right away. Convinced him to drive halfway across the city to go get Chinese food for us for dinner and while he was gone I made up a little fortune that said 'December Daddy 2007' and one for Jess that said Big Sister 2007. He didn't get it at first (thought it was an expiry date actually LOL) and then he saw my expression and whispered 'did you test positive?' I nodded and he said 'really'? He too was convinced it didn't work. Then I ran and grabbed the digital test and we were all floating on cloud 9 for the rest of Sunday night. Jessica even said blessings for her new baby brother or sister when she said her bedtime prayers.

So this morning I get up, and POAS so we can see a darker line. Nothing on a FR. Grabbed an IC - nothing, grabbed another digital and this time it said NOT pregnant. When I saw those words pop up I literally felt like someone punched me square in the chest. I called the clinic before 9 and left Tami a message explaining and she called me back around 930 and said I could go ahead and go get my beta a day early. I came home this afternoon, tested again - another negative so I knew the writing was on the wall.

Well Dr. Hudson just called. He was confused as to why I went in a day early and was worried that I was spotting or something so I explained everything. Well my beta is only 12 which is so low...they like to see at least 20. He said possibly an early miscarriage but we can't say that for sure until another beta on Wednesday. I am not holding my breath because those tests wouldn't have picked up hcg of 12 yesterday which means my numbers are dropping. He felt so bad, I made it through without crying though...I just hate the thought of making him feel any worse than he already feels for all of us when our cycles fail. He was so disappointed and just kept saying how sorry he was.

Thursday, April 5, 2007

The big day! We made it :)

Okay what an awesome day. Going to write this in pieces because I really should be laying down.

I started drinking my water about 9:05 for my 10:15 procedure. Hard to chug down 16 oz of water that fast without popping. Got to the clinic and there was another couple in the waiting room. DH and I were all smiles of course because Monday we didn't even know if we would make it to transfer day. Anyhow we saw Robert the embryologist go into one of the offices, assumably to make his morning 'calls' but he smiled as he went in (of course the micro-analyzer in me said that's a GREAT sign LOL). Saw my doctor and he was also all smiles...he was back and forth doing appointments all over the place but kept asking me how is your bladder, I can give you a cup to go just a little etc because it was going to be another 20 minutes or so before my transfer. The other couple was called in and then Robert came out to tell us about our embies. he said they made it through the night and were looking great. Both 19's now. One was 7 celled, nearly perfect and the second was 4 celled - it has divided over night and still looked awesome but was only 4 celled and he said definitely still a 19. I felt like I was talking with one of my good friends. All laughs and small talk - great atmosphere all around. Made me realize everyone was worried about me/us on Monday. COMPLETELY different than today. Then my doc came around again and asked if Robert had told us about our embryos...he said they are looking awesome (insert another big smile).

Okay, so finally they call us, I stand up and realize, OMG, I really gotta pee. So they waited for my doctor to finish an appt and then he said yes, it won't do us any good if you are too full - you can fill 1.5 of these cups (clear plastic drinking cups - you know the ones from old college parties). So I am all excited, turn the corner and someone is in the bathroom LOL. By this time I had already told my bladder she would be relieved so I was practically doing the pee-pee dance in the hallway. Meanwhile, the happy mood of the clinic s still running course. I can hear my hubby chatting away because the embryologist swears he looks just like his brother. They were then talking about how they are both french yada yada, laughing away. Then I had a small glimmer of okay stop talking to him, he's about to have full view of my va-jay-jay. That thought process immediately stopped when I heard the bathroom door handle open. Off to pee 'just a little'. Well okay folks, I had to go so bad that I practically rammed that cup to catch the pee because I could only go a cup and a half. Well those damn cups break so easily. So wham, now I have this broken plastic cup, overflowing with urine. This is TMI, I realize but I was laughing so hard at that moment that I feel the need to write the memory down. Here I am feeling relief but laughing out loud at my broken cup. Yep written it does not hold the same humor as it did there...

So to the procedure room I go, strip from the waist down and get ready for my embies. Up on the bed and in comes Robert (which is said Rob-bear doesn't even come close to covering my lovely but spelled Robert in case y'all are really following this). Phew barely made it up there without the gratuitous chunky white hyney shot. Shortly thereafter Dr. H comes in with Tami. This time I am hardly covered...the gunt out for all to view. Lord how embarrassing. I tried to put the water bottle on but he said this needs to be moved. Sigh, I feel so glamorous. Well first off was the bladder check. He looked and said well, barely full enough (I knew it should have only been 1 cup LOL) but good enough so off to the lab R went to gather my future kiddos. Next Dr. H said, are you ready? Yup, in went the smoking hot speculum. I hate this part of fertility. You really don't have much dignity left...flabby belly exposed, va-jay-jay open for all to view and a speculum to make it look like I just birthed a watermelon. There was some banter between the lab and doctor H. First they called out our names to make sure we get the correct 2 embies, Dr. H says some point I signed a form too but I think that was earlier LOL. Then via ultrasound, through the speculum, up into my cervix and into the ole uterus, he put a thin catheter in (oh warning, not for the light stomached). This felt weird. At first my pain receptors kicked in, then they realized, this doesn't actually hurt so off they went. I guess the uterus just isn't used to having long catheters poking into it and it was just weird for a minute. Then it was like I couldn't breathe - I could, I was terrified of moving or flinching (I flinch a lot). Dr H calls to R and says we are ready. Yes it happens that fast. Assumably they take the embies out of the pseudo uterus (aka an incubator), mix in some sort of fluid (name escapes me) and into a test tube. It all happened pretty fast - they then flush it all into the perfect nesting spot in my uterus, snap and ultrasound and then R goes back to the lab to check the syringe, flushing catheter (LOL these are not medical terms I am using if you haven't figured that out yet) and test tube for any embies that may be stuck in the process. "All clear" is heard from the lab (thank god, I don't imagine embies do so well after getting stuck in a tube). Then we were done. Out comes the speculum, I am covered up with my legs still in the stirrups and Dr. H ask if I can hang in for 10-15 mins without moving. No problem...I'd rather pee then let these babies out! I actually laid there longer, over 20 minutes just fine. He gave me a cute little picture from the ultrasound - not the embies of course - they are way too small. But when the embies are swooshed in, there is a little air bubble that comes out first so that they can see where they are going. That's what this u/s pic is of. You see the air bubble and a lighter colour where the fluid and embies are . Oh and my big-ass bladder LOL. After that I got to go empty it out and then into recovery for some acupuncture and a meditation cd. It was so nice to relax and know WE FREAKING MADE IT! 2 days ago I honestly dind't think we would. I was absolutely devastated at the thought of getting all this far and then not getting to ET. Sure 3 or 4 embies would have been better but you know what, we made it. I feel so much more calm over this 2ww than I did waiting for the embie reports each day - OMG that is hell I tell ya.

I must say, I felt somewhat sad leaving today. Isn't that bizarre? I think that my life has been all consumed for 2 months and now there is shots, no blood tests, no appts, nothing. It's like when we left, it was like leaving family or something. God I know that sounds bizarre, must be my hormones.

Tonight I am kind of crampy but nothing major except I had a sharp pain coming from my cervix - reminded me of zingers when I was pg with Jess. I have been pretty much taking it easy all day but wanted to finish this up while everything is fresh in my head.

Hope you are settling in Sam and Frodo. Jesse desperately wants to be a big sister:)