Monday, April 30, 2007

I'm really sad

Well I knew this set of emotions would come eventually. Happened to hit me today while I was feeding the kittens. I turned on channel 19 and it was a Baby Story. Now I know better than to watch this stuff. I was actually just 'watching' it for the most part and then it was the actual birthing part. That's when it hit me...those little embies I had growing inside of me are never going to be born. They are never going to meet their big sister or their daddy. Never going to scream all night so mom can't sleep. No torturing the cats or learning how to ride a bike. Nothing. How sad is that? Suddenly I had this burning sensation in my stomach and tears in my eyes and I can't shake it. I am so thankful for Jessica. She is truly the light at the end of the day. Many women can never even have one child and I feel so selfish for wanting another so badly. But it consumes me. I think about it constantly. I can hold my stomach and feel a baby growing inside of me - feeling the sparkles when they first start moving around. There is a silent bond created during a pregnancy that is unexplainable. It is this quiet mother/child communication, all day, every day. I remember feeling like it was our own little secret that no one else could share. It is so hard to put into words the amazing 9 months that pregnancy holds. There are ups and downs, especially the first trimester. But I wouldn't give up that part of my life for all the riches in the world.

So I am sad today. I need to have closure and to move on and I am just not getting that. I so desperately want Jess to be a big sister. She talks about it endlessly. I desperately want to make Randy a daddy again and yes selfishly, I want to be a mommy (again). Bah I am really really sad today......

2 comments:

MammaKoz said...

(((hugs)))

You know, it's funny, when I went and saw Sylvia Browne last year, they did a lottery type thing on who could get up at the end to ask questions.

Anyways, this girl gets up and she wants to know if Sylvia has a message from her from her baby girl that died in utero at 33 weeks.

Long story short, Sylvia looked at her and said well, you have a little girl now right? And the girl who was up asking the question nodded yes. And Sylvia said, well that is the baby. *Total confusion from the entire audience*

So Sylvia went on to explain, that the baby/spirit etc couldn't get through to this side the first time, so it came back and made it to "this side" so to speak the next time. Sylvia couldn't give her a message from her little girl, because well, her little girl was with her again IRL.

Gawd I am rambling now. ;o) LOL

Anyways, it kinda made sense to me, and I heard this about a month after my M/C in Sept.(*cough* right around the time I went totally MIA *cough*).

And it made perfect sense to me. I honestly think that our children choose us (and sometimes I really wonder why my kids chose me...LOL haha) and that they keep trying to come through until they get here, yk? I think the same thing with your embie(s) too, that it's the same soul or souls that will just keep trying to get through yk?

I remember I lost a baby wayyyy back when. At any rate, I knew the baby was a boy, and this baby was conceived between May 14 - May 21st. That I am also sure of.

Anyways, ironically enough, Matthew was born May 19th, the same week that baby boy was concieved years a go.

And as soon as Matty was born, I no longer feel that baby's spirit with me because I truly believe that the spirit baby is Matty.

So what I am trying to say, is that I truly believe that you will meet this little baby (babies) that are trying to get through.

Same soul(s), just 'different' egg(s). ;o)

Shit, now I have got myself all teary, so I imagine you are teary too? Sorry! (hugs) LOL :D

Okay, off to comment on your other posts. I love reading your blog btw! :D

Stina said...

Insert wailing psychotic woman emoticon. Sniff sniff.