Monday, April 30, 2007

I'm really sad

Well I knew this set of emotions would come eventually. Happened to hit me today while I was feeding the kittens. I turned on channel 19 and it was a Baby Story. Now I know better than to watch this stuff. I was actually just 'watching' it for the most part and then it was the actual birthing part. That's when it hit me...those little embies I had growing inside of me are never going to be born. They are never going to meet their big sister or their daddy. Never going to scream all night so mom can't sleep. No torturing the cats or learning how to ride a bike. Nothing. How sad is that? Suddenly I had this burning sensation in my stomach and tears in my eyes and I can't shake it. I am so thankful for Jessica. She is truly the light at the end of the day. Many women can never even have one child and I feel so selfish for wanting another so badly. But it consumes me. I think about it constantly. I can hold my stomach and feel a baby growing inside of me - feeling the sparkles when they first start moving around. There is a silent bond created during a pregnancy that is unexplainable. It is this quiet mother/child communication, all day, every day. I remember feeling like it was our own little secret that no one else could share. It is so hard to put into words the amazing 9 months that pregnancy holds. There are ups and downs, especially the first trimester. But I wouldn't give up that part of my life for all the riches in the world.

So I am sad today. I need to have closure and to move on and I am just not getting that. I so desperately want Jess to be a big sister. She talks about it endlessly. I desperately want to make Randy a daddy again and yes selfishly, I want to be a mommy (again). Bah I am really really sad today......

Beta results April 30

Beta is down to 143. Still no AF just an ever so faint spot every now and then. Shouldn't they drop faster????

Sunday, April 29, 2007


I'm spotting, I'm spotting. Please please let this be a sign that this cycle is FINALLY going to end so I can grieve and move on. I can't handle the wondering and worry anymore.

Edited to add that spot has left the building .

Oh and my sweet husband bought me a Timmy's Iced Cap tonight because I am going on major diet tomorrow. I only had about 1/4 of it as did he because it was so dang sweet. Again I forget that these things have freaking caffeine in them and now I am wired and have been having heart palpitations for 2 hours. Either I need more caffeine in my diet so this doesn't happen anymore or I really need to start remembering NOT to drink any major caffeinated drinks. Like we don't have enough stress in our lives without me all buzzed out :|

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Focusing on the future

Well today was a busy day. Jess had dance practice for her exam next Thursday - yes a National Highland Exam at age 4. Every child gets a certificate and a medal for "competing" that comes directly to them from Scotland. I worry about the stress of an exam for a 4 year old but I think that's just me - all she cares about is dancing and getting that medal.

Anyhoo, so that was from 10-11 and then off to the preschool's spring fair. We were there until 1 and then drove home real quick, fed the bottle baby kittens, changed, got Jess all dolled up and then off to K&M's for Brittany's pre-prom celebration with a quick shop at the flower shop (ouch Blue roses cost us $33 ). Jess was insistent on blue flowers for Brit's blue dress and I didn't ask when she picked the blue roses - my fault and I wasn't about to ask the girl to start pulling apart the bouquet either. So we were there until 6pm an then back home, dinner, feed kittens, Jess to bed and here I sit with my thoughts again.

When I spoke to Dr H. last Sunday I asked what could I do to improve my next cycle. I said I was planning on losing some weight and he told me okay, avoid simple carbs, cut out dairy, lower fat, quality proteins (not necessarily in that order). I had already cut caffeine out although I have been sliding on that for the past few weeks with the warmer weather some diet coke has been accidentally falling into my mouth....He told me to cut out the Evening Primrose (all cycle) and cut my B6 down to 50mg (I need to clarify that because at one point I was taking extra to extend my LP so I am not sure if that was what he was referring to or if he meant in my multi B stress tabs that keep me 'sane').

So the providia diet I was on lats year that shed the 45lbs is all of that to a T. No dairy (boohoo, bye bye cheese), specific carbs (small potato, 1/2 cup brown rice type carbs), lots of veggies and low glycemic fruits (for which the only 2 that don't send me running to the candy store are strawberries and cantaloupe). 5-6 smaller meals per day, combined to best fit each persons metabolism. The first 6 weeks I was on it I lost 23 lbs I think so that is my goal starting Monday. The only issue I will run in to this year is that tuna was a staple of my diet during that heavy weight loss and I am kinda spooked by tuna right now. There are actually govt warnings about consumption of tuna now and Randy gets downright PO'd at me when he hears me opening a can. I actually have questioned the sudden rise in FSH and shorter AF that occurred last year since it was simultaneously happening with the weight loss but that's probably my imagination (or is it?). Anyhow (man I babble a lot) this is my new goal. Shed 24 lbs over the next 6 weeks. Now I was a lot heavier last year when i started this plan but since I have gained 23 lbs since last summer(half of that due to evil clomid) I figure it is possible if I put my mind to it. 10lbs the first week (you lose weight fast) and then approx 2.5 lbs each week thereafter. That gets me back into a healthier BMI and in a MUCH better position for IVF #2 in June (staying positive that I will still get to cycle in June as it's all I can hold on to right now). I really want to fit back into my Bebe jeans that I treated myself to last August as well as all the rest of my cute clothes from last summer. (written with a bowl of Old Dutch sitting on my desk).

Okay lets see what else is keeping my mind off Monday's (hopefully fast dropping) beta numbers. Oh, I have finally come to the point where I am ready for a puppy. After losing my Gizmo, Caine AND Riker in the past year, we all have been a tad shell shocked in the dog department yet there is an emptiness that needs a wagging tail to fill. We have decided on a Golden after much discussion (Randy wanting another Rotti, Stina wanting a Bouv). We both love Goldens and just feel that with the farm, the cats and the kids(see starting to think positively again), that Goldens actually fit the best with our lifestyle. We are going to get one, make sure she is trained and then get a second 6 months to a year later. Then as Jesse gets older we will probably do agility with them (not going to show as I can't stand the politics). Now the long task of finding a reputable breeder who we can trust, who does pen-hip and who sells show quality pups. Not that I am picky or anything...

I have a garden to fill, a basement to tile and finish, the foier to tile and re-paint, 3 barns to paint, a chicken house to tin (okay that's Randy actually) and a heck of a lot of web design that needs to be caught up not to mention my business that I have been slacking on since this whole IVF thing came up 3 months ago. I am hoping that I will be less obsessed this next cycle and more focused on just life in general.

ROFL ya right but the thought must count for something, right?

Friday, April 27, 2007


I just sat down and opened my email and in my inbox is a newsletter from I don't know why that made me snicker butit did.

"Todays sponge - The most widely known contraceptive sponge in the world! ". Oh the irony .

Not good news

Dr Mathews just called...beta dropped to 223. We know for sure now this is not a viable pregnancy, now we have to sit and wait and pray that the numbers drop naturally.

I am really crampy - have been for a while now. I kind of thought it was the progesterone but maybe it is AF again. I can only hope that is the case, I really don't want to go through surgery without Dr Hudson.

You know, no matter how much I said I was expecting the worst, this has got to take the cake for disappointments this week. I feel like someone just ripped my heart out and stomped on it..

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Totally off the fertility topic

Yes once in a while I think about things that are not connected to my uterus. That thought at the moment is wth has happened to Grey's? My favorite show has really gone in the pooper lately. George and Izzy? Derek and Meredith on the rocks? Alex acting like a jerk again? Burke and Cristina happy? Have I crossed over into a parallel universe?

Shonda are you still writing? If you are maybe you need a holiday girlfriend because you are really starting to tick me off with these twists and turns. Yes I am hormonal (knew I would drag the poor uterus into this somehow)but it's not just me. I have IM's flashing right now asking, did you see Grey's? WTH is going on (like I am friends with the writer or something).

Okay I am done, just needed to be said. Oh and 4 more sleeps 'til Heroes. .

Trip to ER

Okay so remember the shoulder pain? Well about 5 minutes after I posted that it was fine, my regular IVF coordinator/nurse called me back. She wanted to know everything, scale of 1 to 5 how much pain, was I bleeding, any cramping etc. Then she said I think you need to be assessed but I just need to talk to the doctor first, I'll call you back. Okay I know our regional hospital - wait times are horrendous here so I tried to talk her out of it by telling her I was sure it was a muscle strain. No such luck, she called me and told me to go in ASAP and that the obgyn knew everything and would take good care of me.

So with some major crying and fast driving, we dropped Jess off (along with my bottle fed kittens) at aunties and then off to the hospital. Drove up and there were 6 ambulances and people everywhere because of a 6 car pileup. We arrived around 430 and didn't even get to the triage nurse until almost 530. She had talked to the obgyn already and he advised to get a CBC and QUANTITATIVE hcg and call him when it was done. 645, tech finally comes to take blood. In between all of this, we saw 3 pregnant women get checked in by relatives - one brought in by ambulance (33 weeks preterm labor) and another in a wheelchair whose husband was literally flying down the hallway to get to the elevator at lightening speed and we can hear the OBGYN staff and pediatrician paged constantly (stat to L&D, stat to L&D). We knew we were doomed LOL. 930 I am getting upset so finally ask if we have been forgotten (we are getting lapped by other people in the ER waiting room (yes we never got past those big glass doors), in and out, in and out - OMG you're still here? people). The new triage nurse (#2 since we've been there) says oh, well they ran the wrong blood test so we are re-running everything in the lab now. I said let me guess, you ran an qualitative hcg? Yes, sorry you were supposed to be updated. *sigh*, this is why I love my private health care. FF again to 1045. Off to the 3rd triage nurse to ask what's going on now. She looked at me and said YES, what can I help you with (rude witch) and I said look, we have been here since 430(eyes welling with tears). Oh are you here for Dr. M? Yesss. Oh he called us about 30 minutes ago, someone was supposed to update you. He is stuck in L&D and he figured he would be down within 30-45 minutes - that was 30 minutes ago. *sigh*, thanks for the update.

This whole time we are anxiously watching doctors and nurses do their and out and every time a new doctor would appear we would get excited. Do you think that's him Randy? Nah too young, nah too mean LOL. We saw this doctor when he came down and knew it was him - then we watched all the hustle and bustle when they couldn't find my chart. I am not knocking the doctor - labor and delivery does take priority (if I was in labor I would hope it did) but the rest of the hospital staff can kiss my butt. What a joke. One nurse said 'did she even go through admissions?I haven't seen her chart all night' and I heard so I stood up, held up the wristbands and shook them through the glass. Idiots.

Okay so now you've made it through all that unnecessary gibberish (I talk a lot when I am tired can you tell?) finally the consult. Oh there are no rooms. ROFL. He was like fine I will take bed #2. This doctor is actually super sweet and very apologetic. He knew my entire history because my clinic had filled him in (thank goodness that part was done). Beta was 271 (Monday was 106). We went through everyday since I first tested + on the HPT. He also felt that embie #1 implanted and miscarried (or chemical) and then embie#2 just didn't implant until late and now (wherever it is) is dividing as it should. the problem is we don't know - is it viable and barely hanging in on my minimal lining, is it a strong chemical pg or is it viable but ectopic. Inquiring minds want to know and we have NO answers. He did a pelvic exam and there was no pain, my cervix is long and closed ("perfect for this stage of pg") and my bloodwork all came back "excellent". I think it was my hemoglobin he checked and it was 138 - he said if there was any internal bleeding that number would have been very low. Shoulder pain is a muscle strain (which I knew from sitting in an uncomfortable chair for 6+ hours as my whole left shoulder, elbow and forearm hurt) so we aren't at a critical stage yet. He is going to take care of me while my RE is gone, that way I don't have to drive back and forth 2 hrs each way. He also gave me standing HCG tests at the hospital so no more waiting 7 hours - he will have them within just a couple. If and when my beta keeps doubling, then hopefully by Tuesday or Wednesday he will be able to get me in to his office and do an ultrasound. By that time they will be able to see something in my uterus and if they can't, well then we have worries. We talked about not doing the metho shot which he agreed to but only as long as if the ectopic is not in the section of the tube that is also in the uterus. If he does surgery there I could have permanent damage and never be able to carry full term he said in which case he would rather do the shot. My doctor said he would still operate so that is my only worry but I will cross that bridge if and when I need to.

So now we wait some more. Unless I suddenly have pain or bleeding I am to do nothing but pretend I am pregnant. The limbo continues....

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Okay I caved and called the clinic

I just talked to Monica and she said it is more in the collar bone area so I am okay. She still wanted to tell Dr Spence but I said I am not worried, please don't bother him (I hate being a pest). My left shoulder KILLS but I am pretty certain it is a muscle pull.

Other than that, had a very dark HPT this afternoon. It sucks not to be happy over 2 lines.


Mid-shower this morning I had sudden pain in my left shoulder, on my back. I know shoulder pain can be a sign of an ectopic rupture but I was under the assumption it was more to the front of your shoulder and the right side. I just want to be safe but now I am worried.

I think it is a muscle pain but I can't be sure. Going to ride it out and see how the day goes before calling and being a pest.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Worst night ever

I woke up at 330 to feed the baby kittens and all of the sudden I was sick. Here I am laying on the tile floor of the room trying to bottle feed these week old kittens. I was so nauseous, barely made it to the bathroom. I don't know if it is a flu big or what - there was no food in my stomach so I don't think it was food poisoning. I felt like my stomach was trying to turn inside out and I ended up taking gravol which was STUPID because it is not safe during pregnancy (at the time I was so out of it that it never crossed my mind). It can't be m/s this soon, especially with a beta of only 106. All that was in my tummy was my vitamins and supplements that I always take right before bed (note to self - gross, never take vitamins on a empty stomach again).

Okay must jot all this down...

04/16 Monday=12
04/18 Weds=19
04/20 Friday=30
04/23 Monday=106
04/26 Thursday=???

After the beta of 19 I was told to stop my meds. I had my last prog mid afternoon Weds. Thursday I was spotting all day and that turn into a light AF then Friday and Saturday were very heavy. Sunday it pretty much stopped until about 3am when I woke up cramping and major heavy AF and then slowed again yesterday morning. I actually was sure that was me miscarrying because it was really heavy and not, um, normal at all.

Monday, April 23, 2007

The drama continues

You guessed it, beta went up to 106. Most likely an ectopic pg but nothing we can do until the numbers rise to at least 1500. So I go for a repeat Thursday and then more waiting. There is a very VERY slim chance of a viable pregnancy but we are not to get our hopes up (and I have lost this baby like 3 times this week and can't handle it again). Theory being both embies implanted, one miscarried and the other little guy is tough and trying to stick around. But that is so very unlikely.

So literally we now wait. And I thought the 2ww sucked...

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Got my next protocol

We talked to Dr Hudson today. Barring complications from this IVF (waiting for betas to drop he is still concerned I have an ectopic pg going on), I will cycle again in June. He is changing my protocol to an antagonist protocol with letrozole added. As he looked through my first IVF he was happy with my response - much better response than what he thought but where he was disappointed was in quantity of eggs retrieved as well as the inconsistent growth. He feels this protocol will help with all of that. The letrozole helps with egg quality and quantity when accompanied with the injects (from the little bit I have read since we talked today). I asked about the estrogen priming but he really doesn't feel that is necessary for me since my E2 rose nicely and my endometrium was perfect throughout. The way he explained the new protocol really got us both excited, wish I could re-write it here LOL.

Praying for dropping beta numbers tomorrow. I don't want to go through a lap and D&C without my doctor which is the next step if the beta goes up. He is gone Tuesday for 3 weeks and well, I just don't trust anyone else (and Dr Spence doesn't do surgeries).

Friday, April 20, 2007


Tami called while we were shopping at SS tonight. She said I am so sorry your numbers went down. Asked whether I had gone off my meds etc and just confirmed my 1:15pm appt with Dr h. on Sunday. Just before she hung up I asked what were my numbers and she said oh 30. What??? I said but they went up and she had to go back and double check that I was right. She said well we need to worry now about an ectopic (slow rising numbers are common) but she would talk to Dr. Hudson and they would call me back or I could discuss it Sunday.

I just want this to be over with..why must we suffer through this loss any longer? :(

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Beta results

Well my beta was only 19 yesterday so I had to go off my meds and let nature take her course. About an hour before my call I decided to POAS one more time just so I was prepared for the call. Well of course they were positive again - yes all 8 that I had left. So I suddenly had a glimmer of hope again that maybe we had lost a twin and that's why my hcg dropped. Nope...chemical (hate that term) pregnancy.

So I assume AF will arrive any minute - I am so bloated today and spotting. I have a phone consult to chat with Dr H. on Sunday before he leaves for 3 weeks. Barring any scheduling difficulties, I will sit out one cycle and then do another fresh cycle right away. Tami wasn't 100% sure whether I would just start BCP after my next AF or if he would have me wait an additional cycle. Guess we will find out come Sunday.

Monday, April 16, 2007

I tested Sunday morning and got an ever so slight line on the FRER. Decided to hold my pee for a few hours and test again before I said anything to Ran. Well after 3+ hours I tested again - another faint line. Tested on another brand and got a positive, pulled out a digital and it said PREGNANT! I was flipping out because I was so sure that AF was around the corner. I didn't tell him right away. Convinced him to drive halfway across the city to go get Chinese food for us for dinner and while he was gone I made up a little fortune that said 'December Daddy 2007' and one for Jess that said Big Sister 2007. He didn't get it at first (thought it was an expiry date actually LOL) and then he saw my expression and whispered 'did you test positive?' I nodded and he said 'really'? He too was convinced it didn't work. Then I ran and grabbed the digital test and we were all floating on cloud 9 for the rest of Sunday night. Jessica even said blessings for her new baby brother or sister when she said her bedtime prayers.

So this morning I get up, and POAS so we can see a darker line. Nothing on a FR. Grabbed an IC - nothing, grabbed another digital and this time it said NOT pregnant. When I saw those words pop up I literally felt like someone punched me square in the chest. I called the clinic before 9 and left Tami a message explaining and she called me back around 930 and said I could go ahead and go get my beta a day early. I came home this afternoon, tested again - another negative so I knew the writing was on the wall.

Well Dr. Hudson just called. He was confused as to why I went in a day early and was worried that I was spotting or something so I explained everything. Well my beta is only 12 which is so low...they like to see at least 20. He said possibly an early miscarriage but we can't say that for sure until another beta on Wednesday. I am not holding my breath because those tests wouldn't have picked up hcg of 12 yesterday which means my numbers are dropping. He felt so bad, I made it through without crying though...I just hate the thought of making him feel any worse than he already feels for all of us when our cycles fail. He was so disappointed and just kept saying how sorry he was.

Thursday, April 5, 2007

The big day! We made it :)

Okay what an awesome day. Going to write this in pieces because I really should be laying down.

I started drinking my water about 9:05 for my 10:15 procedure. Hard to chug down 16 oz of water that fast without popping. Got to the clinic and there was another couple in the waiting room. DH and I were all smiles of course because Monday we didn't even know if we would make it to transfer day. Anyhow we saw Robert the embryologist go into one of the offices, assumably to make his morning 'calls' but he smiled as he went in (of course the micro-analyzer in me said that's a GREAT sign LOL). Saw my doctor and he was also all smiles...he was back and forth doing appointments all over the place but kept asking me how is your bladder, I can give you a cup to go just a little etc because it was going to be another 20 minutes or so before my transfer. The other couple was called in and then Robert came out to tell us about our embies. he said they made it through the night and were looking great. Both 19's now. One was 7 celled, nearly perfect and the second was 4 celled - it has divided over night and still looked awesome but was only 4 celled and he said definitely still a 19. I felt like I was talking with one of my good friends. All laughs and small talk - great atmosphere all around. Made me realize everyone was worried about me/us on Monday. COMPLETELY different than today. Then my doc came around again and asked if Robert had told us about our embryos...he said they are looking awesome (insert another big smile).

Okay, so finally they call us, I stand up and realize, OMG, I really gotta pee. So they waited for my doctor to finish an appt and then he said yes, it won't do us any good if you are too full - you can fill 1.5 of these cups (clear plastic drinking cups - you know the ones from old college parties). So I am all excited, turn the corner and someone is in the bathroom LOL. By this time I had already told my bladder she would be relieved so I was practically doing the pee-pee dance in the hallway. Meanwhile, the happy mood of the clinic s still running course. I can hear my hubby chatting away because the embryologist swears he looks just like his brother. They were then talking about how they are both french yada yada, laughing away. Then I had a small glimmer of okay stop talking to him, he's about to have full view of my va-jay-jay. That thought process immediately stopped when I heard the bathroom door handle open. Off to pee 'just a little'. Well okay folks, I had to go so bad that I practically rammed that cup to catch the pee because I could only go a cup and a half. Well those damn cups break so easily. So wham, now I have this broken plastic cup, overflowing with urine. This is TMI, I realize but I was laughing so hard at that moment that I feel the need to write the memory down. Here I am feeling relief but laughing out loud at my broken cup. Yep written it does not hold the same humor as it did there...

So to the procedure room I go, strip from the waist down and get ready for my embies. Up on the bed and in comes Robert (which is said Rob-bear doesn't even come close to covering my lovely but spelled Robert in case y'all are really following this). Phew barely made it up there without the gratuitous chunky white hyney shot. Shortly thereafter Dr. H comes in with Tami. This time I am hardly covered...the gunt out for all to view. Lord how embarrassing. I tried to put the water bottle on but he said this needs to be moved. Sigh, I feel so glamorous. Well first off was the bladder check. He looked and said well, barely full enough (I knew it should have only been 1 cup LOL) but good enough so off to the lab R went to gather my future kiddos. Next Dr. H said, are you ready? Yup, in went the smoking hot speculum. I hate this part of fertility. You really don't have much dignity left...flabby belly exposed, va-jay-jay open for all to view and a speculum to make it look like I just birthed a watermelon. There was some banter between the lab and doctor H. First they called out our names to make sure we get the correct 2 embies, Dr. H says some point I signed a form too but I think that was earlier LOL. Then via ultrasound, through the speculum, up into my cervix and into the ole uterus, he put a thin catheter in (oh warning, not for the light stomached). This felt weird. At first my pain receptors kicked in, then they realized, this doesn't actually hurt so off they went. I guess the uterus just isn't used to having long catheters poking into it and it was just weird for a minute. Then it was like I couldn't breathe - I could, I was terrified of moving or flinching (I flinch a lot). Dr H calls to R and says we are ready. Yes it happens that fast. Assumably they take the embies out of the pseudo uterus (aka an incubator), mix in some sort of fluid (name escapes me) and into a test tube. It all happened pretty fast - they then flush it all into the perfect nesting spot in my uterus, snap and ultrasound and then R goes back to the lab to check the syringe, flushing catheter (LOL these are not medical terms I am using if you haven't figured that out yet) and test tube for any embies that may be stuck in the process. "All clear" is heard from the lab (thank god, I don't imagine embies do so well after getting stuck in a tube). Then we were done. Out comes the speculum, I am covered up with my legs still in the stirrups and Dr. H ask if I can hang in for 10-15 mins without moving. No problem...I'd rather pee then let these babies out! I actually laid there longer, over 20 minutes just fine. He gave me a cute little picture from the ultrasound - not the embies of course - they are way too small. But when the embies are swooshed in, there is a little air bubble that comes out first so that they can see where they are going. That's what this u/s pic is of. You see the air bubble and a lighter colour where the fluid and embies are . Oh and my big-ass bladder LOL. After that I got to go empty it out and then into recovery for some acupuncture and a meditation cd. It was so nice to relax and know WE FREAKING MADE IT! 2 days ago I honestly dind't think we would. I was absolutely devastated at the thought of getting all this far and then not getting to ET. Sure 3 or 4 embies would have been better but you know what, we made it. I feel so much more calm over this 2ww than I did waiting for the embie reports each day - OMG that is hell I tell ya.

I must say, I felt somewhat sad leaving today. Isn't that bizarre? I think that my life has been all consumed for 2 months and now there is shots, no blood tests, no appts, nothing. It's like when we left, it was like leaving family or something. God I know that sounds bizarre, must be my hormones.

Tonight I am kind of crampy but nothing major except I had a sharp pain coming from my cervix - reminded me of zingers when I was pg with Jess. I have been pretty much taking it easy all day but wanted to finish this up while everything is fresh in my head.

Hope you are settling in Sam and Frodo. Jesse desperately wants to be a big sister:)

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

GOOD News - finally!

My 2 embies made it through last night! They were graded 18 and 17 which is very good from what I understand. I asked him if there was any fragmentation and he said minimal (I told him I'd been reading too much LOL). They were very happy with them. I told Robert that I would hug him if he was in the same room with me LOL. Nice for him to not have to give me any bad news for once...

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

and then there were 2...

4 eggs ended up being mature but only 2 of them fertilized. Trying to stay positive but my hormones are raging today.

Robert didn't say too much. I think he could tell I was crying on my end and really, what can you say? The poor staff there must have the biggest hearts to chose to work in that environment - so much joy but so much heartbreak at the same time. All he said was 4 mature and 2 fertilized. I said oh boy, my numbers are really going down and he said remember, it only takes one to make a baby (which at that moment didn't help but he was being nice). He said he hopes they divide over night and are 2 to 4 cell tomorrow when he calls. I of course concur. No seriously, praying and sending positive thoughts to my kids in Victoria - that's all I can do. Crying and stressing is not going to help with ET or implantation so on the hope we make it to Thursday, I am trying to mellow out a bit (wink wink nudge nudge).

I cried and cried for a while this morning. I mean what are the chances they will both make it to Thursday? I think I am more upset at the thought of not finishing this cycle than I am of getting a BFN. Weird I know.

Then I had a good chat with Michele - thank god for her. She gets me right's the mother in both of us I guess. That really perked me up. I made a decision after that call to pull that law of attraction thing together and start thinking positively. I went online, found pictures of 2, 4 and 8 celled embryos. I started visualizing MY eggs looking like those perfect little embies in the pictures. I also visualized Robert calling me tomorrow saying he had GOOD news. Regardless of whether it makes any difference to my embies, it made a hell of a lot of difference to me. I feel way better just banishing that negativity out of the house today.

Now the question is, can I keep it up through tomorrows embie update.

Monday, April 2, 2007

Quick ER update

Just a quick note - I need sleep. ER didn't go great (procedure was fine just egg count sucked). They could only aspirate 8 follies and from that get 6 eggs. Of those, they think 3 are mature sad.gif Dr. H had a long talk with both embriologists and went ahead with isci.

I tried to put on a positive happy face but I am so bummed.

Physically I feel very 'heavy', like lead balls where my ovaries are. I had a nice sleep this afternoon and I am just taking it easy for the rest of today. Already thinking about going back to bed...

Apparently, because of my age, my FSH and my high level of stims, part of the problem was all my follies were growing at different rates. When he aspirated 2 of the follicles they were just full of blood - basically overcooked (I am sure there is a better term, that's all I can think of right now). Then 3 are probably immature. So they were all over the place. Dr. H took it personally, he was very worried about us (I guess I was looking rather stressed). He is such a good soul.

Sunday, April 1, 2007

Fun day today

Well we took Jess to Celia's birthday party today. She is so off her schedule and is becoming so crazy half the time that I am about ready to yank my hair out. I guess my stress level about tomorrow doesn't help. I feel guilty for saying it but gosh I was happy to drop her off at Michele's - I needed the break to get my sh!t together for tomorrow. I am excited and nervous and scared all rolled up into a frazzled mess LOL. Actually I am not that bad at all. We had a nice dinner tonight, got a big ass cheesecake from Save-On-Foods with all that syrupy fruit on top for dessert. OMG, freaking heaven, who needs real food?

Rest eggies, tomorrow is a big day!