Saturday, June 30, 2007

Blog Bizarreness

WTH happened to my long thought inducing blog today? I just logged in to see only on sentence, my last sentence showing...true blog bizarreness.

I am way too tired to write all of it went something like I think I am, I think I'm not, I hate my ovaries, I feel like I am PMS'ing, I need a break, need to stop eating crap and feeding my stress, I am worried about my Jess (getting a cold), worried about Laila (preterm labor), worried about Michelle (BFN) and worried about Sandy (beta not where it's supposed to be).

That my friends is my thoughts for the day in a nutshell.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007


Well to top off my day, I just went and got my dad's ashes. Not sure what or how I feel about that. I am so exhausted and lost after the events with my sister that I forgot to take my estrace and prometrium this morning:( I have been crampy for 2 hours, I am praying that I haven't ruined this pregnancy....

No words

So my dad passed away last month. My sister said go ahead and be administrator - for which we don't need but we wanted the books to prove dad was robbed. I wasn't able to take everything in to get notarized because of the costs - everything was going on the credit card this past month. Well yesterday she starts hounding me about it - I told her as soon as Randy got paid I would get it all certified. Then she started in at me about how I can pay my bills but she needed her share so she could hers. She acts like everything is given to us on a silver platter. Well I signed off IM so that I didn't spout off some hormonal crap that I would regret later. Well last night she leaves me this scathing VM. I of course respond via email. She then fires off the meanest OMG letter. I mean I don't even understand where all of this came from. She told me she needed to bite her tongue because 'someone of my age' was trying to have another baby. In her next evil spouting she said"And as far as a child goes at your age so sorry hun never said you were not a good mom , hun yes you are a good mom to the child you are supposed to have but quite frankly god decides how many children we have not us." OMFG? I have been crying all night.

I just had no idea she hated me so much. Were we best of friends - no, but being attacked by my sister in such a malicious way? Hit me like a mack truck. Now I have 45 minutes ot get my crap together and give a live presentation for work. This will be fun, I can't even see my keyboard.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Little Miss Positive

Okay here is the rundown of our transfer day. I will be completely honest, I expected bad news when we walked into VFC. The micro-analyzer in me was scrutinizing everything from the second I stepped out of the truck. For example, on Sundays you have to get buzzed in. So Randy hits the buzzer and Dr H answers - Randy says, "Christina L.." and Dr H says "okay Randy, come on up". Why Randy always says my name I don't know but again I found this quite humorous. But right away I was like, 'did he sound happy? Oh no, he didn't sound very positive, did he?" and so on, all the way up in the elevator. Randy looked at his crazy wife and said, "he said what, 5 words over a speaker phone, stop it already". Ahem, point taken.

We walk into VFC and I had my head down, terrified to make eye contact because well, I was expecting the worst. Monica later told me she thought oh-oh she is NOT in a good mood today LOL. I had to pay for the ICSI and return some Gonal-F so I was standing at the reception window and I could see our embryologist out of the corner of my eye. Heart pounding I still refused to look up - this was news I would much rather have over the phone...I may just break down in person. Then I hear Randy really softly say "it's all good?" and then he reached around me to hug me. Only at that point did I allow myself to look up and see both of them smiling from ear to ear. He said he came in at like 20 to 8 just to see our embryo and when he did he did a happy dance (which I can totally see - he is such a friendly guy). Our little beloved is an 8 celled beauty, graded 19 of 20 and nearly perfect.

Holy freaking big sighs of relief. Now I could concentrate on my very full bladder and not peeing on my RE LOL. ET went well although it is my least favorite part of this whole process. You are basically naked from your waist down and it isn't a fast process so you are 'exposed' for all the world to see. Considering I still have the flabby belly it is excruciatingly embarrassing to me to have someone viewing my most unfavorite body "feature". All the while concentrating the hell out relaxing my legs while in those leg stirrups so that I don't cramp out while keeping my bladder nice and full. It's somewhat of a contradiction (legs relaxed, bladder tight). Dr H explained that while we only have one embryo, it looked great, nearly perfect and better than the 2 we had last time by far. They do this security check between doctor and embryologist just before transferring the embryo. From the lab we hear "one beautiful, 8 celled, nearly perfect embryo for Christina L.." and Dr H confirms form the procedure room. How freaking cute was that? It was like the whole medical team was rooting for us and just made it a perfect transfer. Randy was beaming from ear to ear after he heard that (he even whispered in my ear 'did you hear that? Nearly perfect!!!"). Procedure went well because I had my bladder nice and full for them and I have my keepsake picture from the u/s of where the fluid went in carrying baby L. I lied there for about 15 minutes and then got up to relieve the bladder. Then I laid back down and had my acu from Dr H. Monica discharged us 30 minutes later and off we went on the crazy 2ww ahead of us.

So here is praying for a sticky bean. Today embie will be a morula (10-30 celled), Tuesday a blast and Weds would start to hatch. That's in a perfect world LOL. I always get late +++ so who knows what I will decide to do this month as far as POAS. Should I? Shouldn't I? Should I? Shouldn't I?

Saturday, June 23, 2007

More bad news

We lost 2 embryos last night. They were abnormal due to unequal dividing (as I understand it - mononucleated). The remaining embie is 19 out of 20 and is 4 celled and looking great.

Please do not tell me it only takes one. I think I will scream if I hear that again.

Friday, June 22, 2007

And the report says...

Of the 7 eggs, 5 were mature but only 3 fertilized. I admit, I am a wee bit disappointed, I so thought this cycle would give us more 'choices'. On a positive note we do have one more embie than last time and since we didn't lose any that had fertilized last time I refuse to think this cycle will be any different. So I am happy, don't get me wrong, but admittedly a bit disappointed as well.

To be honest I am so numb this week it's very odd. Jess left this morning with K&M for 4 days. Normally I would have bawled my eyes out watching her walk away but I stood there with a lump in my throat and didn't move. Randy was all worried because I showed no emotion after R called this morning. I feel neither excited nor anxious. I just want to sleep. Not to whine, well maybe a little whine. I really feel crappy. I am carrying around over 6 lbs of water weight since Thursday morning. WTH is that? I look like I have a belly balloon. I haven't (TMI alert) gone to the bathroom in 2 days either :| and I literally can fall asleep in any position - just have to let the eyes shut for half a second. Hopefully a good night sleep will help (I didn't sleep last night).

Now I need an update from my little world traveler. They should be in Regina by now and mama is anxious to hear her peanut's little voice.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Lucky number seven

Okay so the day started off well. I was amazingly calm - neither excited nor dreadful (and I am usually one or the other). Deep down I was worried they go in and find no eggs but at the same time I guess I realized that was unlikely to happen. Our trip was uneventful but on a side note, the highways are littered full of police doing speed and seat belt checks so we left in plenty of time to avoid the need for speed (and ugh it seemed like we were driving so slowww).

Walked into a very quiet office just a few minutes before 8. Sat for just a few minutes and Tammi got us and sent us off into the recovery room. Had a few good laughs along the way. Like she showed me my pink flannel nightgown and the beige scrubs for Randy. So after she leaves and I am stuffing all my junk into the locker, Randy looks at me and says "so I wonder what they'd do if I put on the pink nightie and you wore the scrubs?" ROFL, he always finds a way to relieve the tension and that sure as heck did it. Oh we chuckled for a while over the visual. Anyhow, Dr H arrived shortly thereafter and did the normal chit chat - when was my last food/drink, how was I feeling, how was Jessica's grad (to which I replied great - put a woman doped up on hormones at her daughters preschool grad and imagine the tears LOL). Then he gave me my acu and I just dozed in and out for the next 30+ minutes.

So then it was 'time'. That was when I started to feel my heart race a little. Robert had an intern working with him, Leigh was my nurse and apparently there was a doctor working with Dr H as well (who I previously said was the intern with Robert but I was wrong - blame the drugs!). And my fav person of course Tammi who was watching my vitals and in charge of the fentanyl. Dr H literally had to slap the crap out of my hand to get a vein to stand up enough for him to get the IV in. Had another good chuckle over that after I complained about the abuse I am always getting there (I said jokingly of course). Then came the good stuff. At first I felt nothing so I got a second dose and whoooosh, I was all light and fluffy not caring about the indecency bared for the whole room of spectators to see. Oh back track here, Dr H told us when we first went into the procedure room that he was doing a different ER today - a flush. Basically they flush out each follicle to make sure no eggs have stuck in there. There is an added risk of damage to the eggs, reaction to the medium they use to flush and risk of infection. I trust him so just nodded not realizing how valuable this would actually be.

Okay yes, back to my friend Fentanyl. Truly love this stuff - you're awake but don't give a crap about anything. There were times I could feel some minor pain but honestly I knew it hurt but I didn't care. Does that make sense? I guess I was pretty doped. Tammi twice had to nudge me into breathing. I was but my oxygen was low because I was 'that' relaxed. At first it was pretty nerve wracking because I swear we were at the count of one for what seemed like forever. Um talk about stress (yet I was too busy enjoying nothing to really worry). I kept trying to watch the ultrasound screen but couldn't focus. I could hear Robert say 'got an egg' or 'granulosa cells'. Now what I found out later was that when he said granulosa cells it meant that they would then flush that fluid medium through that follicle. Those cells come off a developing egg hence the need for going back in (well he would hold the catheter in there until getting word from the lab). So Dr H would tell her (Leigh I guess) 2 cc's (or whatever) of fluid and she would push it through this special catheter that they used. This happened 3 times (I think?, its getting blurry now). Because of them doing this extra step today we ended up with 7 eggs out of 7 follicles which is great! My goal was 8 eggs and Randy said 5 so we are both happy with that number and Dr H seemed pleased with it as well.

Remember last time, there was a very solemn mood at the clinic after my ER. Maybe it was just that day or perhaps it was the overwhelming disappointment with my ER. I can only compare the mood today vs last time and there was a big difference so my ever scrutinizing mind has to think positive and believe that means better eggies for better embies.

We had a nice long chat with Robert while in recovery, he really explained how everything goes. Basically this afternoon they will strip the cells off the eggs and perform ISCI. Well before that they send Randy's troops to the carnival for a spin on the gravitron ride. The best sperm stay at the bottom and everyone else floats to the top (or vice versa). They then hand pick the best, break their tails (something about polarity comes into play here - I am not an embryologist so go look it up if you really care LOL) and inject one little guy into each egg. We got the impression that we may end up with 5 mature but no guarantees. 3 were "smaller" but until those cells are stripped they really wouldn't know. I think 80% was mentioned which would be 5.6 eggs therefore I am hoping for 5. However is only 50% fertilize again then we will probably still end up with only 2 to transfer....well 2.5 but I'd prefer a WHOLE embryo ;)

Hmm what else to remember. Oh just as Randy was off with his cup I started to get dressed and wouldn't you know it, Dr H walks in . I know, I know, he has seen it all but still...I was red from head to toe. Then as Randy was getting changed from the scrubs, doesn't Leigh walk in and poke her head around the corner just as his pants are around his ankles. Oh yes indeed, it was an interesting day.

Overall today went very well. I hate to say it for fear of jinxing myself but I am feeling positive tonight. Terrified to let myself even think about the possibility of embryos to 'choose' from (vs. this is whats left, insert and see ya in 2 weeks). I have a lot to keep my mind busy. Very bloated and swollen tonight, waves of extreme dizziness (whoa) and the impending departure of Jessica flying to Regina tomorrow with K&M. What the heck was I thinking letting my 4 year old leave me for 4 days. Ugh. She is so excited and I am just full of heartbreak. I know she'll be just fine being the princess of the family for the weekend but OMG, does that break my heart at the same time.

So now the clock slows down. In about 12 hours I will be hearing the fate of my future kids. I know most women don't like to think that far ahead but I can't help myself. Every loss along the way is a real loss to me. I am praying I hear good news. Please let me hear good news or this weekend is going to be excruciating.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Trigger time

Do do da do, da do do da do Trigger time. Hee hee yes to the tune of Hammer time I sang as I injected myself with my last med tonight. I was expecting pain and didn't feel a thing. Too much flab I guess.

Now the countdown 'til Thursday. Was I this stressed last time? Hmm maybe I should go back and read the damn blog, that's why I write in this thing isn't it? LOL

The Insanity Begins

Or did it ever end? I can feel the OCD side of me starting to kick in today. It really started with a horrible dream last night. I don't recall the entire dream but the gist of it was I had to die - not sure why but I had 2 choices. Get a giant knife across my throat (like those martial arts sword type knives) or I could take these 5 pills and it would be almost instant. Well I chose the pills of course but then I didn't die. I was all paralyzed and twisted. And I could barely move my mouth to talk but was asking the person why am I not dead yet? And he/she said because you took the easy way out, you have to suffer until the pills really kick in. And I started crying and thinking about missing out on Jessica's which time I woke up bawling my eyes out.

Freaking nice dream. Interpret that as you will it really just freakin sucked.

I am officially obsessing over the next 2 weeks already. I shouldn't be so I've been told. But I can't stop thinking that there will be no good eggs retrieved on Thursday and that there will be no ET on Sunday. I really really want to stay positive but I am neither excited nor distraught. Totally numb. I should be so excited but I'm not. It's an odd feeling and I question whether it's a sixth sense or just my usual insanity.

It's going to be a long haul from here on out......

Monday, June 18, 2007


Dr. H is back, Dr H is back!

What a nice sight walking into VFC today and seeing that friendly smile sitting in the office. I was late leaving Nanaimo today, didn't walk out the door until 550 but everything went smooth en route to Victoria (considering the traffic at the top of the Malahat - I guess it's zero tolerence day for speeders - blush). I got to the Metro lab at about 10 after 7, walked in, had one person in line in front of me, gave my care card, went into room 2, poke and on my way out. Sheesh if it was always that simple! Then to VFC - heck they had me down for 820 and I got there at 745 LOL. Anyhow, no one was there, lucky me so Tammi ushered me in and woo I even got sockettes again today LOL.

The good news is I won't trigger until Tuesday night therefore saving me the decision of what to do about missing Jessica's grad. The bad news is I have gone from 11 down to 7 follicles. That makes me very nervous considering we only got 6 from 11 follicles last time. Quality over quantity, quality over quantity. Talk about different doctors, different styles. Check out the measurement difference:

R=12, 14, 15, 16, 16, 22
L-18 (lazy lefty)
Lining= "beautiful" @ 12mm

He said I had a hemorrhagic follicle on the left which was full of blood. I wonder if that's what all that pain was last Weds on my left side? So down to 1 follie there and then 6 instead of 8 on the right.

He felt it would be best to stim for one more day and then trigger - I said well okay then with a big smile of course. Then he chuckled and said Tammi had told him about Jessica's grad and he felt another day was best anyhow. Could I breathe a bigger sigh of relief? Now the stress is where have all the follies gone? I am praying we get more from less and that they are all mature and heck while praying if they could all fertilize and all divide like good little embryos that would be cool too :D

Edited to add my E2 was 4700 today. More than doubled since Saturday so we are still going ahead with trigger tomorrow! Yippee! Now, follies, no more imploding and no more disappearing acts please!

Sunday, June 17, 2007

I am exhausted

Seriously exhausted. Day 3 of driving to and from Victoria and I am so dog dead tired right now. We left early so that I could take Randy for breakfast along the way, it being Father's Day and all. Stopped in Duncan at White Spot - it was packed. Propped my eyelids open while we waited for our breakfast. then off to an 11am appt with Caroline - yes she made a special appt for me since she was meeting another client for acu at VFC. Well she called at like 1050 and said don't rush, she was stuck at VFC. So we sauntered over to the mall to get Jessica her 'grad' dress for Wednesday. Did some browsing and then made our way back over to the office as Caroline had opened it for me earlier. She called about 1145 to tell me to come to VFC as they wanted to squeeze me in and she would go back to the office and wait for me. I felt so bad but she was totally okay with it. So off to VFC and OMG, do they ever look tired. Hectic week for them to say the least. D Spence was very funny today. "Just waiting for the 'goo' Tammi". I asked if that was the technical name for it LOL. Then in with the coochie cam and he said " wow look at that puppy!". Tammi laughed and said wow we have goo and a puppy, interesting day LOL.

Follies are not really matching up with Friday but whatever, here were today's numbers:
R=10, 13, 16, 16, 17, 18, 19, 22
L=7, 13, 17
Lining is 10.3 woot

Now here is the ultimate kick in the stomach though. Before we started this cycle I said, we cannot be in the clinic Weds the 20th because it is Jessica's grad. Guess when he wants me to trigger? Sigh. I really don't know what to do. He is making me come back AGAIN tomorrow morning at the crack ass of dawn (forgive my language I am tired and can't control it anymore) for E2 and a scan in Victoria (as in be in Victoria by 7am). He said if we hadn't mentioned no to Weds (actually Tammi said she cannot be here Weds am and he said he wasn't comfortable triggering me tonight) he was going to just tell us to trigger tomorrow night but now he is leaving it up to Dr H. I don't know why we couldn't trigger tonight - they are all a good size aren't they? He said it will be up to "Stephen" to make the decision for me.

I asked Tammi afterwards what she thought and she said well we will do what we can, we did know about this before but we won't sacrifice the cycle either. So it will be in my good doctors hands. It won't be a great morning - they are already doubled booked from 8am on so who knows how long I will be there. I am aiming to hit the MDS lab @ 7 and VFC for 8.

How can I choose between my daughter and my future babies? OMG this sucks even more since I seem to have no coping mechanism left right now. And I have to drive AGAIN. Dang every bump kills and I am sick of that freaking drive. This will be #5 in less than a week. Plus Randy won't be there so when he tells me that I have to trigger and miss her grad I am sure I will just melt into a big pile of tears and lose it and STILL have to drive home.

Ugh hormones SUCK!

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Saturday Craziness

Okay really quick update - I am sorry I am behind on emails to all of my online gals - I promise to catch up soon.

We left at 530 to go for know one would assume we would have figured out by now that leaving 2.5 hrs in advance is really not necessary. Got to Victoria around 640ish. Boring. We were sitting in Ran's truck listening to XM when a guy stands in line at 720am. Lord, 40 minutes early for freaking blood work. So Randy said he would go stand in line for me but I told him to wait until the next vehicle drove up. Well sure enough, another car comes not 5 minutes later. So off he went to stand in line. The guy saw us so he told Randy to go in front of him so I ended up first in line but lord, this lining up for b/w is insane.

After that we drove back home, got Jess dressed in her Highland gear and off to the Port Theatre for her rehearsal. I had a hair appt @ 1130 so when I was still standing there with her at 1133 I was panicking. The mom supervisor hadn't showed up yet. So that threw a monkey wrench into things as I didn't get to the salon until 1150. But Brenda is a doll and got me in and all fixed up (ba-bye roots). Randy went and picked up Miss Jessica and came back to get me.

Oh and my E2 numbers were 1920 today so they upped my Gonal-F to 225 for tonight. Tammi called mid-hair cut and also asked if they could switch me to 12:15 since they have another procedure tomorrow. Busy place!

Now it is get a few chores done and then back to the theatre to get Jess to her recital. I am so looking forward to seeing peanut on stage!

Friday, June 15, 2007


Okie dokie here was the scan results:

Right- 16, 16, 15, 15, 10, 9, 8
Left - 16, 10, 10, 7

Lining 7.3 (boy this is low compared to last cycles 13mm).

Edited to add...

Okay E2 is up to 1379 from 203. Now they are worried it is going up to fast. I personally think it is perfect since that is what is supposed to happen when you go off Letrozole - E2 was suppressed and now wooooosh E2 goes up. Anyhow I don't have the Dr in front of my name so I shall not question the powers that be.

My dosage has been dropped now. Gonal-F down to 200, Menopur stays at 150 and I add Cetrotide in tonight to prevent me from ovulating. I have to drive all the way back to Victoria tomorrow to get bloodwork drawn and then again on Sunday for another scan. The fun never stops.

Oh and I am eating chips and having pizza for dinner just in case anyone really cares LOL.

You know IVF is taking over your life when...

You wake your husband up at 3am to say 'hun we have to choose and I am confused'. You see in reality Jess had woken up and was crying and that's what woke me out of some bizarre Pirate-Master-does-IVF dream (reality show du jour). So I sat up, woke him and started spouting off some gibberish about having to choose (choose what? embies? meds? doctors?). Then I heard Jess calling and said 'never mind, Jess is up' and he got up to see what she needed while I went back to sleep (yes he rocks and gets up for her any night she wakes up which isn't very often).

WTH was that all about?

Well I am off to see the wizard. First a very quick date with Dracula @ MDS Nanaimo. Then off for acu in Victoria and then a I-am-so-not-looking-forward-to-this-appointment with Dr Spence.
When is Dr. H back???????????????????

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

3 things

1 - please tell me I am not ovulating. I have excruciating left ovary pain right now - been goign on for hours accompanied by red face - typical hormone surge face.

2 - wth has happened to my memory? Ever since I started stims I can't remember anything. I started to leave with slippers on yesterday.

3-I just lost another lb. Am I the only freakish woman on stims that actually loses weight instead of gaining? Bizarre.

Getting an associates degree in reproductive endicronology

Bare with the clinical side of this...
Relative potencies of anastrozole and letrozole to suppress estradiol in breast cancer patients undergoing ovarian stimulation before in vitro fertilization
Azim, A.A., et al. - Breast cancer patients undergoing controlled ovarian hyperstimulation (COH) for the purpose of oocyte or embryo cryopreservation who were stimulated with letrozole had lower mean estradiol levels than those who were stimulated with anastrozole Methodology
  • Breast cancer patients were stimulated with letrozole (n=47) or anastrozole (n=7) during COH
  • The mean estradiol levels were higher in the group stimulated with anastrozole than the group stimulated with letrozole on the day before and day of oocyte retrieval (1325.89 and 2515 vs 427 and 714, respectively)
  • With the exception of estradiol levels, all other cycle parameters were similar between the two groups of patients (i.e., length of stimulation, total gonadotropin dose, number of mature follicles, and number of embryos cryopreserved)

Okay, yes I realize this study is based on other things but look at those E2 numbers in the Letrozole group! I have my fingers crossed that I have an estrogen spike by Friday/Saturday.Okay I have also found that Letrozole is big in the steroid community. Body builders use it to get rid of their moobs (man boobs) and to draw out the last bit of water before a competition. Okay like I care but I have some interesting numbers from a couple of their logs:
Letrozole (Femara) also does quite a few things which would be of interest to both bodybuilders and athletes. Firstly, it has been shown to reduce estrogen levels by 98% or greater (1). In at least one documented incidence, Letrozole (Femara) reduced estrogen in the test subject to undetectable levels, and increased LH, FSH and SHBG (4). Clearly this is all of interest to bodybuilders, as less estrogen in the body means less chance of certain side effects such as water-retention, Gynocomastia, and acne. This makes Letrozole (Femara) an appropriate choice for even the heaviest bulking or cutting cycles including harsh androgens. Also, if you are a competitive bodybuilder, Letrozole (Femara) is a must have product for contest prep; no other Ancillary compound will produce a dry and tight look like Letro will.

An effective dose of Letrozole (Femara) is .25-.5mg/day (I use .25mgs/day), but be forewarned, if you go over that amount, it can kill your sex drive. Also worth noting is that there´s a rebound effect on your estrogen when you come off Letrozol. Maximum inhibition of the aromatase enzyme has been found to happen at doses as low as 100mcg! (2)

Okay still following me? A 98% reduction in E2?? Very interesting. Kill my sex drive? ROFL, anyone experiencing IVF knows that for the most part the dildo cam gets more action than the husband (sorry hun, I do love you, my hormones are just shot). What excites me and I am praying for is that rebound effect when one comes off Letrozole. I took my last 2 pills last night. It has a 45 hour 1/2 life (so out of the system in 2-4 days). Theoretically if that is what is causing my E2 levels to be low, then 2-4 days after my last pills my estrogen levels should SPIKE (poor Randy). If (big if) I am correct (please let me be right here, for my ovaries sake) then someone needs to be shot for not explaining this to me before I left the clinic yesterday.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Follie check

Well here it is, 4:31am and I am off to Victoria this morning. Bloodwork at 730, acu at 8 and scan at 930. I will be seeing Dr. Spence today...kind of nerve-wracking to have a complete stranger with the dildo-came up the va-jay-jay but hey, you check your dignity at the door when it comes to infertility.

Morning update:

Sigh...deja-vu cycle happening again. Only 8 follies, sizes all over the place. 11, 9, 9, 9, 4 and 10, 8, 6. Lining was only 3. On my first cycle, my first scan also had the same type of breakdown (5 on right, 3 on left) but only one follicle was leading, the rest were all very close in size (10, 10, 7, 7,7 and 13, 10, 9 lining 13). Now granted that scan was after 7 days of stims and this was after 4 days of stims but so what? Still a big wide stretch from 6 up to 11. How will that 6 ever catch up and there is pretty much no chance of any new follies popping up now.

Dr S said he will wait for my E2 numbers and then decide what to do to 'make the most' of this cycle. Can I say the f word without offending anyone reading this? Cause f*^#, why can't I have more follicles than that? Now I am right back to Miss Positive Thinking (not) and worried that I won't even make it to transfer (on med day 5, lord, it's going to be a long haul).

I will update again once he calls with my numbers. I am nauseous just thinking about it.

Monica called, E2 was only 203..not good at all.

Edited one last time...I just totally caved and ate pizza. Now the distended belly is budha belly. Totally regret that after finally having lost another lb today bringing me down to a 10lb loss. Grrrrrrrrrr.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

All is well

Dr H. replied back and said no, I didn't screw anything up, all is well. Phew! Sometimes I really let worry and stress get the best of me don't I?

I always feel like I shouldn't be asking any questions and like I am a pest when I do. They have told me repeatedly to call or email at any time so I guess I need to get over it. I think I am so used to the 'system' of being rushed in and rushed out that now we are dealing with private health care that it just seems like I am doing something wrong when I need a question answered.

Gawd just reading that I realize how stupid I sound.

Saturday, June 9, 2007

Stimming along

First night of stims went fine. Stupid me mixed the full 2ml of diluent in with the Menopur so it stung a little. The Femara gives me a headache for about 2 hours along with raising my core temperature to about that of a volcano. It is short lived though so can't really complain. Whatever works, right? Certainly better than evil Clomid, that's for sure.

Dr. H called me this afternoon. He seemed concerned about me not getting my call on Friday and was double checking on what I took for meds and which lab I got my b/w done at (he didn't get results until late). I didn't ask any questions but I am second guessing myself right now. Was I not supposed to start? I mean my calendar shows that I was but I don't know, I just feel like something isn't right. My E2 maybe wasn't as low as what it was supposed to or ??? He changed my appt to Tuesday - said I needed to be seen within 5 days of stims. He won't be there so I have to see Dr. Spence. You know when you just get that worried and sick feeling in your stomach and can't quite put your finger on why? Well that is how I am feeling about now. I did email him a few questions but if he is going away I probably won't hear back so I will just have to wait until Tuesday for my scan to tell me whether something isn't right or not.

Gave myself my injects tonight. I know Randy likes to do it but he said he doesn't really care, one way or another s I did it. Went really well too. No pain, no stinging (that's what all this padding is good for!).

Busy day tomorrow - barns, house, dance and I need to get some work(business) done ASAP! I spent all day today on the computer. I got a ton of web design stuff updated so at least that is out of the way. Now to work on the WP redesign and my FPG biz for the next few days. All of this should keep my obsessive mind from obsessing, right?

I hear Whitesnake playing in the background

Here we go again on our own.....those words keep playing in the deepest (scariest) depths of my mind today. Here we are, back on the IVF wagon one more time. How on earth did that happen so fast?

So back-tracking a little. Got my b/w done in Nanaimo yesterday morning. Got there at 15 minutes before the doors opened yet there was still 6 people in front of me. I guess if I had been fasting for 12 hours I would want to be first in line too. Instead I stood there rudely drinking my x-large decaf from Tim's (was that wrong?). Anyhow, left the bldg at 746 and then off to Victoria for acu @ 915. Barely made it on time but I met Caroline and had a good hour of acu. It kind of hurt this time - assumably because she was working on areas directly related to my current cycle. Then Randy and I went across to the mall and browsed the bookstore to waste some time before my next appt. Off to Dr. H and my dreaded Cd2 scan. Everyone seemed happy enough - Robert was friendly as usual and stopped to chat with us. When they called me in I darted off to the bathroom and made sure 'everything' was ready for the scan, went into the room, dis-robed faster than lightening and up on the table flat LOL. In came Dr. H and the new nurse (I think she's new?) and it was fast. 3 antral follicles on each side and one collapsed corpeus luteum. Good to go pending E2 levels. We had to wait while they typed up a protocol for me (had the drusg but no idea and how much or when). Found out I was starting meds right away!!!!! That came as a shocker! It certainly wasn't the most in-depth appointment, kind of felt a bit rushed but I have the info I need so it doesn't matter I guess. I asked Tammi if she would call with my E2 numbers and she said yes, later in the day (normal for us up-island gals).

Well as everyone knows, I sit and practically stare at my phone for hours when waiting for VFC to call. No call. 5pm, 6pm, 7pm rolls by..nothing. Randy and I decided to just go ahead and take the meds but then I started thinking, what if I take them and I wasn't supposed to? At over $450 bucks a day, I was starting to panic at the thought of wasting a days worth of meds. So I called the coordinators after-hours cellphone @ 830 and got Monica. She called Tammi and then called back and said I was good to go. I apologized profusely for bothering her (I hate calling at any time, never mind in the evening) and she said that Tammi did call me earlier and left a VM. Um not to my knowledge and not on my cell or home phone. I checked those over and over last night - not sure what happened there but now I am all stressed about being a PIA again.

My protocol is Letrozole/Femara 5mg/day for 5 days, 300 units of Gonal-F/day and 150 units Menopur/day plus baby aspirin and prenatals. No idea when I start the Cetrotide, it isn't even listed on my sheets they gave me. I found a great article on this protocol here.

Oh and I don't go back until next Thursday - which is after 6 days of stims.

So yes, here we go again..........

Thursday, June 7, 2007

AF reads blogs!

She must because the evil witch showed up mid-gymnastics today. All of the sudden PLOOSH and I knew she had found her way back into my life.

Okay wench, now you are here, make it short and be on your way. I don't want to see you for say, oh I don't know, at least 12 months.

Called VFC and spoke to Tammi. She was going to call me today to find out what was happening so I guess I am psychic or something LOL. I said FINALLY Cd1. She said okay, go ahead and start your meds on Cd3 if your E2 levels are low tomorrow. I said no scan? Not because I want one but originally Dr. H said he wanted to see me on Cd2 or Cd3. She said oh well then I will ask him and call you back. I do need a protocol as well LOL. I mean I have my meds but I have no idea when or how much I will be taking. Kind of bizarre to have $4500 worth of meds and I have no idea what I am doing with them...

Edited to add...Tammi called me back and I am to have my E2 checked first thing tomorrow morning, then I will go to get acu @ 915am, then off to see Dr. H @ 1130. Woot, we are starting again. This is lucky #2 :)

Um, where are you?

Dear Aunt Flo,

Helloooooooo, been a long time since we chatted. I am trying to use that patience I have heard so much about but um, where are you? For how many months when I didn't want you to arrive you would show up on time, sometimes even a day or two early? Now when I need you, you are MIA. That is not very nice AF. I am actually getting a tad pissy about it. See I have all the warning signs that you are coming...I can hear Randy chew all his food, everyone on the road keeps cutting me off or is driving irrationally and the little flask of patience that I keep in my back pocket is pretty much full of sand right now. But still, no ding dong the witch is here.

Hope this letter finds you well. Please RSVP as soon as possible.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

I wrote dad's obituary this morning...

In loving memory of Max Albert Joseph Paquin


It is with great sadness that we say goodbye to our beloved father and grandfather, Max Paquin.

Born November 20, 1939 in Quebec City, dad passed away at Dufferin Place Extended Care Unit of Nanaimo General Hospital. Dad leaves behind his two daughters, Christina Anne Langelier and Melissa Anne Baird as well as his 4 grandchildren, Jessica Jordyn Langelier, Kayla Rathgeber & Chelsy and Ross Cussack.

Dad, we miss you deeply but are thankful that you no longer must struggle with the confines of a hospital bed and can freely move around once again after so many years of pain and suffering. You have and always will be a great man and we will forever hold your memories close to our hearts.

I Love you forever,

I Like you for always,

As long as I'm living, my Daddy you will be

Friday, June 1, 2007

The details

I got the call at 6am yesterday that he had passed in his sleep. I knew about an hour before though...I had all these thoughts about Melina and grandmother (who have also passed on) and when the phone rang I just knew.

He is in such a better place now though. 23 years he has been confined to a hospital bed and the past 6 months have been the worst. I have watched his health go up and down, up and down but never get back up. So I knew this was coming but you can only prepare yourself so much. I am happy for him going to a place where he can move freely and not suffer the indignities that his paralysis caused him. I am happy that he has family to meet him on the other side. Still I can't shake the sadness that creeps up on me every few hours and flushes my eyes with tears. I am angry because I just need to be angry right now. I am pissed that within 2 hours of getting that phone call they had all of his things packed into a cardboard box. I am pissed that his POA didn't have his cremation arrangements made in advance. I am pissed that some funeral homes charge up to $1000 more for the excat same service. I am pissed that I don't know what to do with myself. Mostly I am just pissed off, just because I am pissed off.