Well my beta was only 19 yesterday so I had to go off my meds and let nature take her course. About an hour before my call I decided to POAS one more time just so I was prepared for the call. Well of course they were positive again - yes all 8 that I had left. So I suddenly had a glimmer of hope again that maybe we had lost a twin and that's why my hcg dropped. Nope...chemical (hate that term) pregnancy.
So I assume AF will arrive any minute - I am so bloated today and spotting. I have a phone consult to chat with Dr H. on Sunday before he leaves for 3 weeks. Barring any scheduling difficulties, I will sit out one cycle and then do another fresh cycle right away. Tami wasn't 100% sure whether I would just start BCP after my next AF or if he would have me wait an additional cycle. Guess we will find out come Sunday.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Monday, April 16, 2007
I tested Sunday morning and got an ever so slight line on the FRER. Decided to hold my pee for a few hours and test again before I said anything to Ran. Well after 3+ hours I tested again - another faint line. Tested on another brand and got a positive, pulled out a digital and it said PREGNANT! I was flipping out because I was so sure that AF was around the corner. I didn't tell him right away. Convinced him to drive halfway across the city to go get Chinese food for us for dinner and while he was gone I made up a little fortune that said 'December Daddy 2007' and one for Jess that said Big Sister 2007. He didn't get it at first (thought it was an expiry date actually LOL) and then he saw my expression and whispered 'did you test positive?' I nodded and he said 'really'? He too was convinced it didn't work. Then I ran and grabbed the digital test and we were all floating on cloud 9 for the rest of Sunday night. Jessica even said blessings for her new baby brother or sister when she said her bedtime prayers.
So this morning I get up, and POAS so we can see a darker line. Nothing on a FR. Grabbed an IC - nothing, grabbed another digital and this time it said NOT pregnant. When I saw those words pop up I literally felt like someone punched me square in the chest. I called the clinic before 9 and left Tami a message explaining and she called me back around 930 and said I could go ahead and go get my beta a day early. I came home this afternoon, tested again - another negative so I knew the writing was on the wall.
Well Dr. Hudson just called. He was confused as to why I went in a day early and was worried that I was spotting or something so I explained everything. Well my beta is only 12 which is so low...they like to see at least 20. He said possibly an early miscarriage but we can't say that for sure until another beta on Wednesday. I am not holding my breath because those tests wouldn't have picked up hcg of 12 yesterday which means my numbers are dropping. He felt so bad, I made it through without crying though...I just hate the thought of making him feel any worse than he already feels for all of us when our cycles fail. He was so disappointed and just kept saying how sorry he was.
So this morning I get up, and POAS so we can see a darker line. Nothing on a FR. Grabbed an IC - nothing, grabbed another digital and this time it said NOT pregnant. When I saw those words pop up I literally felt like someone punched me square in the chest. I called the clinic before 9 and left Tami a message explaining and she called me back around 930 and said I could go ahead and go get my beta a day early. I came home this afternoon, tested again - another negative so I knew the writing was on the wall.
Well Dr. Hudson just called. He was confused as to why I went in a day early and was worried that I was spotting or something so I explained everything. Well my beta is only 12 which is so low...they like to see at least 20. He said possibly an early miscarriage but we can't say that for sure until another beta on Wednesday. I am not holding my breath because those tests wouldn't have picked up hcg of 12 yesterday which means my numbers are dropping. He felt so bad, I made it through without crying though...I just hate the thought of making him feel any worse than he already feels for all of us when our cycles fail. He was so disappointed and just kept saying how sorry he was.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
The big day! We made it :)
Okay what an awesome day. Going to write this in pieces because I really should be laying down.
I started drinking my water about 9:05 for my 10:15 procedure. Hard to chug down 16 oz of water that fast without popping. Got to the clinic and there was another couple in the waiting room. DH and I were all smiles of course because Monday we didn't even know if we would make it to transfer day. Anyhow we saw Robert the embryologist go into one of the offices, assumably to make his morning 'calls' but he smiled as he went in (of course the micro-analyzer in me said that's a GREAT sign LOL). Saw my doctor and he was also all smiles...he was back and forth doing appointments all over the place but kept asking me how is your bladder, I can give you a cup to go just a little etc because it was going to be another 20 minutes or so before my transfer. The other couple was called in and then Robert came out to tell us about our embies. he said they made it through the night and were looking great. Both 19's now. One was 7 celled, nearly perfect and the second was 4 celled - it has divided over night and still looked awesome but was only 4 celled and he said definitely still a 19. I felt like I was talking with one of my good friends. All laughs and small talk - great atmosphere all around. Made me realize everyone was worried about me/us on Monday. COMPLETELY different than today. Then my doc came around again and asked if Robert had told us about our embryos...he said they are looking awesome (insert another big smile).
Okay, so finally they call us, I stand up and realize, OMG, I really gotta pee. So they waited for my doctor to finish an appt and then he said yes, it won't do us any good if you are too full - you can fill 1.5 of these cups (clear plastic drinking cups - you know the ones from old college parties). So I am all excited, turn the corner and someone is in the bathroom LOL. By this time I had already told my bladder she would be relieved so I was practically doing the pee-pee dance in the hallway. Meanwhile, the happy mood of the clinic s still running course. I can hear my hubby chatting away because the embryologist swears he looks just like his brother. They were then talking about how they are both french yada yada, laughing away. Then I had a small glimmer of okay stop talking to him, he's about to have full view of my va-jay-jay. That thought process immediately stopped when I heard the bathroom door handle open. Off to pee 'just a little'. Well okay folks, I had to go so bad that I practically rammed that cup to catch the pee because I could only go a cup and a half. Well those damn cups break so easily. So wham, now I have this broken plastic cup, overflowing with urine. This is TMI, I realize but I was laughing so hard at that moment that I feel the need to write the memory down. Here I am feeling relief but laughing out loud at my broken cup. Yep written it does not hold the same humor as it did there...
So to the procedure room I go, strip from the waist down and get ready for my embies. Up on the bed and in comes Robert (which is said Rob-bear doesn't even come close to covering my lovely but spelled Robert in case y'all are really following this). Phew barely made it up there without the gratuitous chunky white hyney shot. Shortly thereafter Dr. H comes in with Tami. This time I am hardly covered...the gunt out for all to view. Lord how embarrassing. I tried to put the water bottle on but he said this needs to be moved. Sigh, I feel so glamorous. Well first off was the bladder check. He looked and said well, barely full enough (I knew it should have only been 1 cup LOL) but good enough so off to the lab R went to gather my future kiddos. Next Dr. H said, are you ready? Yup, in went the smoking hot speculum. I hate this part of fertility. You really don't have much dignity left...flabby belly exposed, va-jay-jay open for all to view and a speculum to make it look like I just birthed a watermelon. There was some banter between the lab and doctor H. First they called out our names to make sure we get the correct 2 embies, Dr. H says yes...at some point I signed a form too but I think that was earlier LOL. Then via ultrasound, through the speculum, up into my cervix and into the ole uterus, he put a thin catheter in (oh warning, not for the light stomached). This felt weird. At first my pain receptors kicked in, then they realized, this doesn't actually hurt so off they went. I guess the uterus just isn't used to having long catheters poking into it and it was just weird for a minute. Then it was like I couldn't breathe - I could, I was terrified of moving or flinching (I flinch a lot). Dr H calls to R and says we are ready. Yes it happens that fast. Assumably they take the embies out of the pseudo uterus (aka an incubator), mix in some sort of fluid (name escapes me) and into a test tube. It all happened pretty fast - they then flush it all into the perfect nesting spot in my uterus, snap and ultrasound and then R goes back to the lab to check the syringe, flushing catheter (LOL these are not medical terms I am using if you haven't figured that out yet) and test tube for any embies that may be stuck in the process. "All clear" is heard from the lab (thank god, I don't imagine embies do so well after getting stuck in a tube). Then we were done. Out comes the speculum, I am covered up with my legs still in the stirrups and Dr. H ask if I can hang in for 10-15 mins without moving. No problem...I'd rather pee then let these babies out! I actually laid there longer, over 20 minutes just fine. He gave me a cute little picture from the ultrasound - not the embies of course - they are way too small. But when the embies are swooshed in, there is a little air bubble that comes out first so that they can see where they are going. That's what this u/s pic is of. You see the air bubble and a lighter colour where the fluid and embies are. Oh and my big-ass bladder LOL. After that I got to go empty it out and then into recovery for some acupuncture and a meditation cd. It was so nice to relax and know WE FREAKING MADE IT! 2 days ago I honestly dind't think we would. I was absolutely devastated at the thought of getting all this far and then not getting to ET. Sure 3 or 4 embies would have been better but you know what, we made it. I feel so much more calm over this 2ww than I did waiting for the embie reports each day - OMG that is hell I tell ya.
I must say, I felt somewhat sad leaving today. Isn't that bizarre? I think that my life has been all consumed for 2 months and now there is nothing...no shots, no blood tests, no appts, nothing. It's like when we left, it was like leaving family or something. God I know that sounds bizarre, must be my hormones.
Tonight I am kind of crampy but nothing major except I had a sharp pain coming from my cervix - reminded me of zingers when I was pg with Jess. I have been pretty much taking it easy all day but wanted to finish this up while everything is fresh in my head.
Hope you are settling in Sam and Frodo. Jesse desperately wants to be a big sister:)
I started drinking my water about 9:05 for my 10:15 procedure. Hard to chug down 16 oz of water that fast without popping. Got to the clinic and there was another couple in the waiting room. DH and I were all smiles of course because Monday we didn't even know if we would make it to transfer day. Anyhow we saw Robert the embryologist go into one of the offices, assumably to make his morning 'calls' but he smiled as he went in (of course the micro-analyzer in me said that's a GREAT sign LOL). Saw my doctor and he was also all smiles...he was back and forth doing appointments all over the place but kept asking me how is your bladder, I can give you a cup to go just a little etc because it was going to be another 20 minutes or so before my transfer. The other couple was called in and then Robert came out to tell us about our embies. he said they made it through the night and were looking great. Both 19's now. One was 7 celled, nearly perfect and the second was 4 celled - it has divided over night and still looked awesome but was only 4 celled and he said definitely still a 19. I felt like I was talking with one of my good friends. All laughs and small talk - great atmosphere all around. Made me realize everyone was worried about me/us on Monday. COMPLETELY different than today. Then my doc came around again and asked if Robert had told us about our embryos...he said they are looking awesome (insert another big smile).
Okay, so finally they call us, I stand up and realize, OMG, I really gotta pee. So they waited for my doctor to finish an appt and then he said yes, it won't do us any good if you are too full - you can fill 1.5 of these cups (clear plastic drinking cups - you know the ones from old college parties). So I am all excited, turn the corner and someone is in the bathroom LOL. By this time I had already told my bladder she would be relieved so I was practically doing the pee-pee dance in the hallway. Meanwhile, the happy mood of the clinic s still running course. I can hear my hubby chatting away because the embryologist swears he looks just like his brother. They were then talking about how they are both french yada yada, laughing away. Then I had a small glimmer of okay stop talking to him, he's about to have full view of my va-jay-jay. That thought process immediately stopped when I heard the bathroom door handle open. Off to pee 'just a little'. Well okay folks, I had to go so bad that I practically rammed that cup to catch the pee because I could only go a cup and a half. Well those damn cups break so easily. So wham, now I have this broken plastic cup, overflowing with urine. This is TMI, I realize but I was laughing so hard at that moment that I feel the need to write the memory down. Here I am feeling relief but laughing out loud at my broken cup. Yep written it does not hold the same humor as it did there...
So to the procedure room I go, strip from the waist down and get ready for my embies. Up on the bed and in comes Robert (which is said Rob-bear doesn't even come close to covering my lovely but spelled Robert in case y'all are really following this). Phew barely made it up there without the gratuitous chunky white hyney shot. Shortly thereafter Dr. H comes in with Tami. This time I am hardly covered...the gunt out for all to view. Lord how embarrassing. I tried to put the water bottle on but he said this needs to be moved. Sigh, I feel so glamorous. Well first off was the bladder check. He looked and said well, barely full enough (I knew it should have only been 1 cup LOL) but good enough so off to the lab R went to gather my future kiddos. Next Dr. H said, are you ready? Yup, in went the smoking hot speculum. I hate this part of fertility. You really don't have much dignity left...flabby belly exposed, va-jay-jay open for all to view and a speculum to make it look like I just birthed a watermelon. There was some banter between the lab and doctor H. First they called out our names to make sure we get the correct 2 embies, Dr. H says yes...at some point I signed a form too but I think that was earlier LOL. Then via ultrasound, through the speculum, up into my cervix and into the ole uterus, he put a thin catheter in (oh warning, not for the light stomached). This felt weird. At first my pain receptors kicked in, then they realized, this doesn't actually hurt so off they went. I guess the uterus just isn't used to having long catheters poking into it and it was just weird for a minute. Then it was like I couldn't breathe - I could, I was terrified of moving or flinching (I flinch a lot). Dr H calls to R and says we are ready. Yes it happens that fast. Assumably they take the embies out of the pseudo uterus (aka an incubator), mix in some sort of fluid (name escapes me) and into a test tube. It all happened pretty fast - they then flush it all into the perfect nesting spot in my uterus, snap and ultrasound and then R goes back to the lab to check the syringe, flushing catheter (LOL these are not medical terms I am using if you haven't figured that out yet) and test tube for any embies that may be stuck in the process. "All clear" is heard from the lab (thank god, I don't imagine embies do so well after getting stuck in a tube). Then we were done. Out comes the speculum, I am covered up with my legs still in the stirrups and Dr. H ask if I can hang in for 10-15 mins without moving. No problem...I'd rather pee then let these babies out! I actually laid there longer, over 20 minutes just fine. He gave me a cute little picture from the ultrasound - not the embies of course - they are way too small. But when the embies are swooshed in, there is a little air bubble that comes out first so that they can see where they are going. That's what this u/s pic is of. You see the air bubble and a lighter colour where the fluid and embies are
I must say, I felt somewhat sad leaving today. Isn't that bizarre? I think that my life has been all consumed for 2 months and now there is nothing...no shots, no blood tests, no appts, nothing. It's like when we left, it was like leaving family or something. God I know that sounds bizarre, must be my hormones.
Tonight I am kind of crampy but nothing major except I had a sharp pain coming from my cervix - reminded me of zingers when I was pg with Jess. I have been pretty much taking it easy all day but wanted to finish this up while everything is fresh in my head.
Hope you are settling in Sam and Frodo. Jesse desperately wants to be a big sister:)
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
GOOD News - finally!
My 2 embies made it through last night! They were graded 18 and 17 which is very good from what I understand. I asked him if there was any fragmentation and he said minimal (I told him I'd been reading too much LOL). They were very happy with them. I told Robert that I would hug him if he was in the same room with me LOL. Nice for him to not have to give me any bad news for once...
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
and then there were 2...
4 eggs ended up being mature but only 2 of them fertilized. Trying to stay positive but my hormones are raging today.
Robert didn't say too much. I think he could tell I was crying on my end and really, what can you say? The poor staff there must have the biggest hearts to chose to work in that environment - so much joy but so much heartbreak at the same time. All he said was 4 mature and 2 fertilized. I said oh boy, my numbers are really going down and he said remember, it only takes one to make a baby (which at that moment didn't help but he was being nice). He said he hopes they divide over night and are 2 to 4 cell tomorrow when he calls. I of course concur. No seriously, praying and sending positive thoughts to my kids in Victoria - that's all I can do. Crying and stressing is not going to help with ET or implantation so on the hope we make it to Thursday, I am trying to mellow out a bit (wink wink nudge nudge).
I cried and cried for a while this morning. I mean what are the chances they will both make it to Thursday? I think I am more upset at the thought of not finishing this cycle than I am of getting a BFN. Weird I know.
Then I had a good chat with Michele - thank god for her. She gets me right now..it's the mother in both of us I guess. That really perked me up. I made a decision after that call to pull that law of attraction thing together and start thinking positively. I went online, found pictures of 2, 4 and 8 celled embryos. I started visualizing MY eggs looking like those perfect little embies in the pictures. I also visualized Robert calling me tomorrow saying he had GOOD news. Regardless of whether it makes any difference to my embies, it made a hell of a lot of difference to me. I feel way better just banishing that negativity out of the house today.
Now the question is, can I keep it up through tomorrows embie update.
Robert didn't say too much. I think he could tell I was crying on my end and really, what can you say? The poor staff there must have the biggest hearts to chose to work in that environment - so much joy but so much heartbreak at the same time. All he said was 4 mature and 2 fertilized. I said oh boy, my numbers are really going down and he said remember, it only takes one to make a baby (which at that moment didn't help but he was being nice). He said he hopes they divide over night and are 2 to 4 cell tomorrow when he calls. I of course concur. No seriously, praying and sending positive thoughts to my kids in Victoria - that's all I can do. Crying and stressing is not going to help with ET or implantation so on the hope we make it to Thursday, I am trying to mellow out a bit (wink wink nudge nudge).
I cried and cried for a while this morning. I mean what are the chances they will both make it to Thursday? I think I am more upset at the thought of not finishing this cycle than I am of getting a BFN. Weird I know.
Then I had a good chat with Michele - thank god for her. She gets me right now..it's the mother in both of us I guess. That really perked me up. I made a decision after that call to pull that law of attraction thing together and start thinking positively. I went online, found pictures of 2, 4 and 8 celled embryos. I started visualizing MY eggs looking like those perfect little embies in the pictures. I also visualized Robert calling me tomorrow saying he had GOOD news. Regardless of whether it makes any difference to my embies, it made a hell of a lot of difference to me. I feel way better just banishing that negativity out of the house today.
Now the question is, can I keep it up through tomorrows embie update.
Monday, April 2, 2007
Quick ER update
Just a quick note - I need sleep. ER didn't go great (procedure was fine just egg count sucked). They could only aspirate 8 follies and from that get 6 eggs. Of those, they think 3 are mature 
Dr. H had a long talk with both embriologists and went ahead with isci.
I tried to put on a positive happy face but I am so bummed.
Physically I feel very 'heavy', like lead balls where my ovaries are. I had a nice sleep this afternoon and I am just taking it easy for the rest of today. Already thinking about going back to bed...
Apparently, because of my age, my FSH and my high level of stims, part of the problem was all my follies were growing at different rates. When he aspirated 2 of the follicles they were just full of blood - basically overcooked (I am sure there is a better term, that's all I can think of right now). Then 3 are probably immature. So they were all over the place. Dr. H took it personally, he was very worried about us (I guess I was looking rather stressed). He is such a good soul.
Dr. H had a long talk with both embriologists and went ahead with isci.I tried to put on a positive happy face but I am so bummed.
Physically I feel very 'heavy', like lead balls where my ovaries are. I had a nice sleep this afternoon and I am just taking it easy for the rest of today. Already thinking about going back to bed...
Apparently, because of my age, my FSH and my high level of stims, part of the problem was all my follies were growing at different rates. When he aspirated 2 of the follicles they were just full of blood - basically overcooked (I am sure there is a better term, that's all I can think of right now). Then 3 are probably immature. So they were all over the place. Dr. H took it personally, he was very worried about us (I guess I was looking rather stressed). He is such a good soul.
Sunday, April 1, 2007
Fun day today
Well we took Jess to Celia's birthday party today. She is so off her schedule and is becoming so crazy half the time that I am about ready to yank my hair out. I guess my stress level about tomorrow doesn't help. I feel guilty for saying it but gosh I was happy to drop her off at Michele's - I needed the break to get my sh!t together for tomorrow. I am excited and nervous and scared all rolled up into a frazzled mess LOL. Actually I am not that bad at all. We had a nice dinner tonight, got a big ass cheesecake from Save-On-Foods with all that syrupy fruit on top for dessert. OMG, freaking heaven, who needs real food?
Rest eggies, tomorrow is a big day!
Rest eggies, tomorrow is a big day!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
