MIA

Wow have I been in a funk this month. I swear I have gained like 10lbs and I just have not had the energy or mind set to reply or post anywhere to anyone so my apologies - I need to sit down and get my poop in a group - I will start dwindling down my emails very soon. I am sorry to those that have patiently been wondering where I am and how I am doing. I promise I'll get back to everyone soon.

Hugs and all that jazz...

Looking ahead

I talked to Dr H today. He had called yesterday but I was taking a glamorous mid-afternoon nap with peanut (seriously the best sleep I'd had in weeks). He totally agrees we need a break. We have been practically cycling there for 6 months now. I told him yes I was mentally and physically exhausted. He of course feels very bad that this cycle failed. He was very disappointed with this protocol - he said it was the most aggressive he could do and for the fall cycle we will go back to the flare. I asked him if no suppression had anything to do with it and he said no. So some plans for the future. I am going to get the recanilization done this month. He said the next 3 months my ovaries will actually have some "oomph" behind them and he totally agrees that we should try on our own while we 'recover' (I had emailed him questions so he was just answering them via phone). I had asked about DHEA and also TCM and he supports me taking both. He doesn't feel like my ovaries have changed drastically or anything - I was surprised as I expected the donor talk but it never came up. I was prepared though because embryo adoption is something I am actually considering at this point - I mean what's the difference between that and adoption except I actually get to be pregnant? All pro's if you ask me but anyhoo it never came up. He said yes to DHEA, it's now legal in Canada so he is writing me up an rx that I can get compounded in Victoria. He said he also supports me looking into TCM with Stephanie so I will fire an email off to her when I am up for it.

It wasn't a long conversation. He did reiterate how important it is that we stay in communication...I guess by not taking the calls on Friday he may have been worried? He is a good doctor and I'm lucky to have someone watching out for us and willing to work with us. He said call, email, make an appointment, whatever I want to move forward. I just want a break for now but I need to also get my new rx, talk to Stephanie and Caroline and then get this recanilization done. THEN I can have a break and get back to normal life for a few months. I can't wait!

As expected

BFN. I can't seem to stop crying though. I totally expected this yet I am just devastated. I just want to give Jessica a baby brother or sister, is that so bad? Why can't my body do this one thing for her?

We were having lunch today at the mall and Jess was all excited about staying overnight at Auntie Michele's. They just got a new spa/hot tub so she is really excited about getting to go in. Then she said mom, you can't go in because of the babies in your tummy. I said oh hun, I think we made a mistake there are no babies in mama's tummy. And poor Jess wells up with tears and says you told me there were, I was going to be a big sister. I said I am so sorry hunny, we will keep trying, I promise. All the while tears welling up in my eyes. Se is heart broken. I wish we had never discussed this with her in the first place but it just seemed like a natural thing to talk about with mommy going to the doctor so much.

I think my sisters words are starting to get to me today because I am really starting to feel like maybe this is just not meant to be.

If at first you don't succeed

Go buy a puppy!! Yes at 530pm we are off to get a puppy. WE had a bad year dog-wise. First Gizmo passed away, then Caine and then Riker. Gizmo and Caine had long happy lives and Riker well, he died at 8 which is too soon for a Golden. So we need a new dog to protect Miss Jessica and protect the homestead. I know Randy has been dying for this puppy since the breeder brought it in 2 months ago for vaccinations at the clinic but I said no. Today I talked to her, she still has the puppy and well, I am hormonal enough to just rush right in without really thinking about the implications of a new puppy. Luckily I am getting it for Randy, therefore he is responsible for training him too LOL. I will just hug on him and enjoy him and Randy can do the rest.

Tee hee hee, I am just giddy.

It's over

Well my beautiful temps dropped over night, I guess this ole body needed one last kick to the stomach, tricking me into thinking hey, maybe there is a slim chance.

I am trying to think positive because Randy is devastated. I guess I have to store these emotions with the rest I have bottled up and deal with them on another day. I have an on-going list in my head of positives to not being pregnant.

- I can start exercising and eating healthy - get some body respect back
- I can get my ankle tattoo finished in August
- I won't be puking in the hot hot summer heat

That's all I've got so far. Truth is I would rather be pregnant and that ain't happening any day soon :(

I'm going to whine now

Don't read on if you don't want to hear it cause this is all about me right now. Inned to whine so this is my chosen outlet for the hour.

I feel like crap. No crap is too nice of a word. I seriously feel like someone kicked the living crap out of me while sleeping or something. Every bone, every muscle, even my hair follicles hurt right now. Yes my hair hurts. Just putting it into a scrunchie hurt this morning. This flu is the worst I have felt in a very long time. My throat is so red I swear you could camouflage a firetruck in there. My sinuses ache...like someone decided it would be cute to stick a wire brush in there for the hell of it. All I want is a 30 minute nap and I will feel better. Since 1030 I have been waiting for that nap and yet I still can't go lay down. Why you ask? Well I have to wait for the chick man to arrive (as in chickens, for the farm). He used to call, now he just shows up anywhere from like 10-5 - narrows it down doesn't it? I was going to put on Peter Pan and haul Jess to mama's room and doze in and out for a bit. I have been drooling at the thought all freaking day but lookey, it's 306pm and here I sit, exhausted, hormonal and as happy as happy can be (not). Of course can I take anything to ease the pain? Noooo on the slim chance I am pregnant (LOL) I don't want to mess with mother nature so I have to suffer it out. Of course whoop-dee-doo, my beta is on Friday. I will let that one go to voice mail. I don't need to hear it 'live'. I so thought I would wake up today, test and get a positive. I have thought all along that 12dpo I would see a 'pregnant' on my test but alas, so much for that instinct. Oh well I can finally take some cold and flu medicine, even if I am better by then.

Okay I will stop whining now. That is until Randy gets home...

Have you seen this?

Ya, you may want a tissue with you while watching http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

Don't say I didn't warn you...